To Be Happy
by snowmathrun
Summary: Post 11x05. Arizona's IVF treatment DID take. But Callie left Arizona in therapy. Arizona struggles with what she wants as she deals with the pregnancy. "I've had to give up things but what I've learned is that I don't need much. I don't need much to be happy.'"
1. Chapter 1

(two days after Callie and Arizona's final therapy session)

Arizona's hands shook as she held the stick between her legs. This was an awkward task to begin with, and her prosthetic only added to the difficulty. She tried to will herself to urinate, but her anxiety shut her down. She should have realized this possibility sooner – with the stress of the separation and the therapy she hadn't even thought about her own health. Four weeks before the end of the trial, she and Callie had attempted one last IVF. Right before their final attempt at reconciliation in therapy, the couple had taken a half dozen pregnancy tests (all negative). It had been too early, Arizona, knew, for highly accurate tests, but she started spotting a few days later and assumed she had miscarried or the eggs hadn't implanted. Only now, almost ten weeks later, when her period failed to come and she noticed some symptoms of pregnancy, did Arizona wonder if perhaps the eggs did implant.

She just couldn't pee. What would a pregnancy mean? Callie's words echoed in her head – Callie did not want to be with her. But, damn it all, Arizona loved Calliope. Did Arizona even want to be pregnant? She felt tears well up in her eyes. All she wanted was Calliope and Sofia – she would give her fellowship with Dr. Herman up in an instant. She felt a sob coming, and suddenly, when she wasn't focused, she was able to pee on that stick. Still crying, chest heaving, she dried it with toilet paper and slid it back in the box.

Arizona washed her hands and threw some cold water on her face. She should have realized this possibility – she had been nauseous in the evening for weeks, unable to eat without throwing up. She knew this wasn't the usual presentation of morning sickness, but she had seen it in her patients. She had been losing weight from skipping most dinners, but her jeans were snug and her stomach felt taught. And her period never had come. Calliope wasn't here to notice these things. Calliope… she thought again, and tears flowed gently down her cheeks again.

Finally, she looked down at the test: PREGNANT.


	2. Chapter 2

(One week later, August 2)

Arizona sat nervously in the sterile waiting room. She hadn't seen the fertility specialist or her OB/GYN since the implantation in mid-May. She calculated that she should be about ten weeks pregnant at this point. After that first pregnancy test, she had grabbed a bunch more at an inconvenient CVS (so no one from Grey-Sloan would recognize her) and rushed home to the house that she and Callie were still sharing. Although Arizona had initially gone to Meredith's house, she and Callie had worked out both living in their house until they figured out what came next. Callie had been home with Sofia, so Arizona discretely went to the bathroom and took four more tests: positive, positive, positive, positive. She called up her OB/GYN, insisting it was an emergency, and went back out to the store to grab all the prenatal vitamins she should have been taking.

So, here she was, desperately praying that no one she knew needed to go to the sixth floor today to this waiting room of women and their partners and children. She put her shaking hand on her stomach. It was just ever so noticeably rounded, noticeable to her when she strained to button her pants, but invisible under her scrubs. Her slight frame, however, made the bump pop out more quickly, and she wondered why she hadn't noticed earlier.

Suddenly, she felt a slight tap on her shoulder. "Arizona?" a familiar voice said.

She turned around and saw Meredith. Her heart sunk.

"Oh, hello, Meredith." Arizona glanced at her hand, still on her stomach, and took it away quickly. But Meredith had seen. Arizona saw her eyes go from the lingering hand to Arizona's face. Arizona sighed. "It's complicated."

"Do you want to talk?" Meredith inquired.

"No. Yes? Honestly, I'm still processing." Arizona let her hand slide back to that safe place on her belly. Meredith sat down next to Arizona and pulled her knees toward her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

"Are we happy?" Meredith asked.

"Yes, definitely." Arizona sighed again. Her chest felt so heavy and her shoulders ached. Stress pulsed through every cell of her body. "I just don't know what this means. Callie and I – we're not together anymore. Callie's done trying to fix us – she feels free without me. She feels free. But me? Life without Calliope – terrifies me. She's the only thing I need in this world. I love her more than anything. Before I learned I am pregnant, I was terrified of life without Calliope. And now I'm pregnant – which I wanted – we wanted – more than anything – and alone. And I don't know how or when to tell Callie, or what her reaction will be. And I don't want her to come back just because of this."

"Well, that's more emotions than one person can feel at once, for sure." Meredith said.

"You would know." Arizona thought of all that Meredith had been through with her own pregnancy and Ellis's death and losing Lexie.

"Do you have a plan?"

"Well, we implanted my eggs, with a sperm donation from Callie's brother so they would be related to both of us. I have to tell Callie eventually. I'm not ready yet. I haven't even really fully processed that I'm pregnant. By the way, what are you doing up here?"

Meredith held up a chart in explanation. "Pregnant patient." Arizona played with her long blond hair. "Do you have someone going with you?"

"No, no one knows. Other than you. Not even my doctor at this point."

"Do you want a person?" Arizona looked up into Meredith's eyes. Meredith held out her hand.

Arizona opened her mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Tears were welling up in her eyes. Her voice cracked as she said, "Yes" and she squeezed Meredith's hand.

"Those pregnancy hormones sure can be a bitch." Meredith smiled.

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Doctor Ann Bracknell came for Arizona. Arizona explained the complicated situation, with Meredith silently nodding along.

"Let's take your vitals," Dr. Bracknell said, "since you haven't been monitored. I'm not too worried about your lack of prenatals since you did take them for the first four weeks, anticipating you might be pregnant, and started again once you realized you were pregnant. But… your HR is low." Arizona glanced at the screen, 52.

Dr. Bracknell took Arizona's weight: "128. That's seven pounds less than when I saw you in May. You should have gained at least a few pounds." Arizona was 5'5", so it was still a healthy weight. Dr. Bracknell frowned.

Meredith interjected, "She hasn't been eating well, since, well, everything with Callie."

"Well, let's turn this around. I want you to be at least 131 by the next time I see you in two weeks. And that might also be contributing to your heart rate."

Dr. Bracknell wheeled in the sonogram machine. "Now, we typically do a sonogram at eight weeks through the pelvic cavity, but you've missed that." Arizona nodded along – Dr. Bracknell knew she was a fetal surgeon and knew all this information, but being cared for calmed her. "We'll try to see the fetus with a traditional ultrasound on your abdomen, but we may be a little early, depending on when the conception actually took place."

Arizona lay down, lifted her shirt to reveal the rounded belly.

"Wow, you definitely popped early." Meredith exclaimed. Dr. Bracknell squirted the cold gel on her abdomen and moved the wand across. Arizona strained her neck to see the screen. Butterflies danced in her stomach. She wanted Callie to be here to see this.

"Well, I think we can see why." Dr. Bracknell said, and Arizona saw as well on the screen: two clearly defined gestational sacs on the screen, two small heads and little bodies in her womb.


	3. Chapter 3

(same day, Aug. 2)

Arizona finished up her workday, rounding on her patients and scheduling future surgeries. Even though Callie's decision devastated her, she realized she was happy – excited even – about her secret. It wasn't how she wanted it to happen, and she knew for greatest safety, she needed to get through the first trimester. But she was pregnant! As she finished her charts, she smiled. Something good had come out of her marriage – Sofia and her desire for kids. She didn't know she wanted children until Callie showed her how wonderful they could be.

"You're smiling? Rebounding from Torres already?" Karev entered as Arizona packed her bag. As she wrapped her coat around her shoulders, she felt her hand stay just a second too long over her stomach. She was going to need to be careful, until she told Callie and until she was ready to tell everyone else.

"Not today, Alex. Still trying to find who I am without her. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Arizona arrived at their house – the house they had purchased together around 7 pm. She saw the light on and couldn't wait to see Sofia. But when she entered, it was Callie she saw. Callie glanced up from a book. Arizona loved those mahogany eyes and delicious plump lips. But they weren't hers anymore. Arizona didn't know how to react.

"Hi Callie. Thanks for picking Sofia up."

Callie was silent. She was still looking at Arizona. Callie pursed her lips.

"Callie – we're going to need to be civil as we work out the separation. I think it's good for Sofia if we live in the same house rather than one of us living in a hotel as we figure out housing issues. But it's not good for her if we can't act civil."

"How can you act like nothing happened, Arizona? I don't know how to live with you after that!" Callie was crying now.

"I don't know how…" Arizona whispered. She felt her stomach churning. Not now! She thought. "But we can work this out, Callie. For Sofia."

Callie was sobbing now – big sobs, that racked her body. Did Callie want her back? Arizona desperately wanted this, but she knew Callie was grieving. Arizona sat on the couch next to Callie.

"This is hard. So hard. But we will pick up these pieces. You are Sofia's other mother. I will always love you for that." Arizona's voice cracked. Tears welled up in her eyes. She wanted to say "I will always love you" with no conditions. She loved how deeply Callie felt – the passion that resulted in the depth of this grief.

"How can you be so calm? Are you not devastated?" Callie said, loudly.

"Callie – you left me. I've been grieving in my own way. You wanted to be free. There's pain in the freedom you chose. There's pain in the other path." Arizona didn't know why she was so calm in the face of Callie's outbreak of anger and grief. This was not a reconciliation. For a moment – a brief moment – her heart had filled with joy.

"I don't feel free." Callie sobbed. Her dark waves spilled over her shoulders as she bent over to curl up.

"I know, I know…" Arizona rubbed her shoulders. Callie couldn't see because she was looking down, but a steady stream of tears flowed down Arizona's cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Arizona. I know I wanted this. I just thought it would be easy once we made a decision."

Now Arizona was silent. How did Callie think this was easy? Easy for her? So she could indulge in the freedom she wanted. Her stomach rumbled.

"Okay, so, we work this out. Separate bedrooms until one of us gets a more permanent location. And switch Sofia pick ups just like we –"

Arizona bolted from the couch. She had known this was coming. She couldn't make it all the way to the bathroom. Wave upon wave of nausea was hitting her. She grabbed the wastebasket from under the kitchen sink (with a plastic liner, thank goodness) and got sick. And again, her stomach convulsed and forced her to empty its contents. Was it over? No. Again a wave hit her and her body shook.

"Arizona!" Callie gasped and ran over. Arizona felt so weak. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically. She felt so hollow. She sat on the cold kitchen floor and cried.

Warm, salty tears dripped on her hands. She was so tired. Was now the time to tell Callie? She wanted to wait for a time when Callie could hear her.

"Arizona. What's wrong?" Arizona realized Callie was sitting next to her. She dared to look at her eyes, those eyes that entranced her so. The caramel eyes stared in concern.

"Callie – this hasn't been easy on me. I love you. I'm _in _love with you. I didn't want this. But I accept that it's what you want."

"So I make you sick?" The corner of Callie's mouth turned up just a bit.

"No, of course not. I'm not sick. Just stressed."

Callie helped Arizona off the floor. It felt so good to have Callie's hands on her. For a moment – the briefest moment – Callie's hand grazed Arizona's ever-so-slight bump. Did Arizona imagine a questioning look on Callie's face? Probably. Callie's body was so warm, Arizona felt her shoulders relax and a deep longing to let go. To completely lean into the person she loved so. But, she reminded herself, Callie still didn't want to be with her.

Callie helped her into bed and brought Sofia to her.

"Can I get you soup?" Callie asked.

"Callie…" Arizona paused, hoping. "I don't want to break any boundaries."

"Arizona. We're living together. I would take care of any roommate when she's sick." Arizona felt a weight return to her chest. There it was – she was a roommate. That brief moment of hope – was gone. And she must control herself in the future.

"Thank you, Callie. Some chicken soup and toast would be amazing." She brushed Sofia's gorgeous hair with her fingers – just like Callie's.

Arizona cradled five year old Sofia in her arms. She felt her heart swell as Sofia told her all about her day. And then Callie brought her soup and toast, which Arizona inhaled and prayed would stay down (she needed to keep that promise to Dr. Bracknell). From the corner of her eye, she saw Callie watching her. But this time, Arizona told herself not to be hopeful. Callie was likely just watching Sofia with that love, not her. But Arizona smiled anyway. She had a gorgeous daughter and would have two more sometime in February, even if they would enter the world with divorced parents. It would eventually be okay, Arizona thought as she rested one hand on Sofia's shoulder and one on her belly, I have Sofia and these two.


	4. Chapter 4

NOTE: Thank you all for the reviews! I've never written fanfiction before, but this story has sat in my mind for about a year now. I probably won't be doing quite so frequent updates (maybe once a week) but I've been home sick from work hence the many initial chapters.

(Aug 5)

Life with Callie challenged Arizona. They had a pseudo-routine at three days after their conversation. They altered days picking up Sofia from daycare, and they didn't talk much at home, other than planning around meals and Sofia. Sometimes they played a game with Sofia or watched a TV show in the same room. But in the silence, the knowledge that this was temporary haunted Arizona

And when Sofia was asleep, sometimes Callie cried. Arizona didn't talk to her like that first night – that was too hard. Callie was all about big emotions – she fell in love quickly, and fell apart easily. Arizona was steady, and sure. The pain was there. Arizona's pain was unrelenting and deep. Every time she saw Callie with Sofia, her heart ached. When Callie smiled, she wanted to grab Callie's cheeks and pull her in for a deep, kiss. She wanted to feel those lips with her tongue and she wanted those eyes to look at her. But Callie was grieving.

Arizona woke early. Her pregnancy symptoms – so absent in the first nine weeks – seemed amped into overdrive. She was exhausted all the time, but she struggled to stay asleep and her body ached. She avoided food at night, because, ironically, that was when her morning sickness was worst, so she woke up ravenous. She also wasn't ready to tell Callie – she wanted to at least get through the first trimester – so she was especially cautious with food when Callie was home.

This particular morning, Arizona's hunger woke her up at 4:30 a.m. She needed to be at the hospital by 7, so she had lots of time to kill. She rolled out of bed and put on her prosthetic. She hadn't noticed any changes to wearing her leg, which made her very happy. As she walked to the closet to choose her outfit for the day, Arizona caught a glance of herself in the mirror and her heart started beating rapidly.

She was just wearing her bra and underwear and leg. Arizona hadn't seen her profile since learning of her pregnancy at 9.5-10 weeks. Now she was 11.5 weeks pregnant and the rounded barely-there bump had become a small but significant bump. How had she grown overnight? She glanced at her profile – it would still hide under her scrubs, but most of her shirts would no longer just graze over the bump. There would be a little something touching that fabric and making it stick out – just a little. Arizona sighed. There wouldn't be hiding this for that much longer. She needed to figure out how to tell Callie.

Arizona made an elaborate breakfast – oatmeal with blueberries and almonds and scrambled eggs and a fruit bowl with strawberries and bananas and kiwi. It was only 6 am, but she was still hungry. She was standing in front of the fridge when she heard a small voice.

"Mama, mami says not to stand with the door open looking for food."

"Sof-bug, your mami is so right!" Arizona picked up Sofia – she was getting so heavy! "I love how mami always remembers to save energy, just like you!" She gave Sofia a big kiss on the forehead, which made Sofia giggle incessantly.

"Mama, why are you up so early?"

"Because I was hungry, Sof. Are you hungry?"

"Yes! I want eggs with cheese and tom… tom-AH-TOES!" she squealed. Arizona laughed and began to prepare omelets – it would be an egg heavy day for her!

Arizona chopped and diced and sautéed. Sofia told her all the dreams she had last night, and worked up quite an appetite by the time Arizona had finished. As Sofia devoured her breakfast, Arizona made a final omelet for Callie, with her favorite vegetables and topped with her favorite sriracha.

At 6:30, Callie stumbled in, Arizona glanced over. Callie was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts. Arizona's gaze wandered down to the beautiful curved shape of Callie's breasts, only partly concealed by her tiny top. Callie's hair was all amuck and tumbling down her bare neck. The muscles in her naturally tan legs stood out in the light pouring in the kitchen window. Arizona _loved _morning, makeup-less Callie. Arizona felt a tingling between her legs, and all the hairs on her arms stood up. She was getting turned on, damn it! She slid Callie's omelet in front of the brunette and walked out of the room.

But not before hearing Callie exclaim, "Look, Sof-bug, Mama made my absolute favorite!

* * *

Later that day, Arizona met up with Meredith for lunch. The shirt Arizona had chosen was just a little too tight for her comfort and she shifted forward in an attempted to get the fabric to drape over her belly.

"Someone's walking strangely," Meredith commented as Arizona slid into the seat across from her.

"I just noticed this morning – my bump – it's growing! You can almost see it, ugh!" Arizona sighed with exasperation. "I wanted at least a couple weeks before needing to tell Calliope. And then the world."

"It's been showing for a bit, Arizona."

"What?"

"I mean, I only noticed because I knew, but once I knew, I knew. It's just a little bump, don't worry. Everyone probably thinks you're getting fat."

Meredith was joking, but Arizona stared in horror, as she ate her chicken parm.

"Arizona, deep breaths. Just come over to my house and we'll get you some super-flowy shirts. That'll buy you…" Meredith gave Arizona an up-down glance "three weeks max? If you slow down on the eating."

"I can't help it, Meredith. I'm starving, all the time. And it doesn't help that I'm afraid to eat at night, in case I get sick with Callie."

"What's happening there?"

"Well, she's still devastated about the break up, but I don't think she wants to get back together. I don't know how to tell her I'm…" Arizona glanced around, and gave Meredith significant eyes. "I don't want her to say 'let's get back together' when I tell her. But I also want to give her space to process her current choice."

"Arizona, the longer you wait, the more hurt she will be. Tear off the bandaid." Meredith looked at her watch, "Damn! I'm late – you can do this, Arizona."

Arizona watched Meredith run into the distance, leaving her lunch only half eaten. Arizona gratefully moved the fries and broccoli onto her own, mostly empty plate, and pondered what to do next.

* * *

Arizona and Callie had an overlapping case that afternoon. One of Arizona's pregnant patients had fallen and broken both her hips.

"I just don't understand," Callie sighed. "Why would a simple fall have broken both her hips? And in so many places. She's young – 27 – and no history of fractures."

"She had anorexia from 15-22. She's been in consistent recovery since then, but just six years seems to have significantly decreased her bone density. And now both she and the fetus have heart issues – hers from her anorexia, and the fetus from a genetic mutation. I was planning on fixing the fetus' heart in a few weeks when he was stronger, but…"

Callie bit her lip, looking at the scans, "And now it would be dangerous to do surgery on her hips for her heart condition."

"Exactly." Said Arizona, "I just don't know what to do. She doesn't want to live without her baby. But I'm afraid losing her baby and confining her to bedrest is a recipe for a major relapse. I want to figure out if there's a way to delay the hip surgery successfully while we stabilize her heart so I can fix the fetus's sooner."

Arizona stared at the scans, and down to her research. She knew Abbie would relapse if she lost her baby, and that Abbie's heart couldn't survey the surgery in her current condition. Arizona gingerly sat down. In her concentration, Arizona didn't realize until she looked back at the scans that Callie had been staring at her intently. They met eyes briefly before Arizona dropped her papers.

Callie knelt to gather them slowly, and rising up, her hair brushed over Arizona's face. Callie was too close. Arizona knew that Callie knew she was too close. In an instant, Callie swept back down. Callie's face was inches from Arizona's. Everything was hot. Arizona's skin tingled. Her blood beat in her chest, and her pulse throbbed intensely in her vagina. Time moved so slowly.

Callie moved closer and gently kissed Arizona on the lips. Soft, at first, then Arizona leaned in. Arizona felt Callie's tongue on her lips. Arizona closed her eyes and parted her lips, feeling Callie's soft lips between her teeth. Callie pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Arizona. I just missed you so much. That was a mistake." Callie ran out the door with the scans, leaving Arizona confused, desperately aroused, and utterly alone.


	5. Chapter 5

**NOTE: I don't want to deal with Dr. Herman's tumor, so this fic will become AU at this point. Arizona is finishing up her fellowship with Dr. Herman right now, no tumor. **

**Thank you all for the reviews! They make me very happy. This is my first fanfic, so I really appreciate the feedback.**

Aug 5

Arizona was spinning. Why had Callie kissed her? Callie _missed_ Arizona. But it had been a mistake, and Callie was sorry. Arizona fiddled with her wedding ring, which she still hadn't taken off. She had tried, of course. But her swollen fingers left it stuck.

"Are you back on the horse, Robbins?" Dr. Herman's abrasive voice pierced the silence.

"What is it with you and horse metaphors?" Arizona retorted grumpily, gathering her cases to discuss with the specialist.

"Torres did a number on you. I need you to get some sex, and soon. I need my fellows to be on top of their game."

Arizona handed Dr. Herman the files, "I'll be back in a moment." And Arizona walked out as fast as her prosthetic would let her. She needed to hide in the bathroom for a moment- to hide her tears and potentially to throw up again.

* * *

After Arizona ran her idea for Abbie past Dr. Herman, she rounded on her peds cases and picked Sofia up from daycare. Sofia rambled on about her day as Arizona drove home.

"And Gabe gave me his silly putty! We gave it to the elephants..."

"Oh, elephants now?" Arizona loved her daughters imagination.

"Yes, we were on a safari!" They were home. Arizona undid Sofias car seat, and Sofia rushed inside. Arizona was slower. She had been happy too soon. Her leg ached. It was swollen. She hadn't gone to her prosthetist to discuss how pregnancy would impact her leg, but she knew she needed to.

Arizona gingerly stepped inside. Callie had made homemade pizza. It smelled intoxicating. Arizona was hungry (again) but she didn't trust her stomach. And she didn't know if she was invited.

"Hi Callie."

"Hi Arizona"

They met eyes but did not look apart. Arizona thought (hoped?) Callie seemed more stable. No more sobs tonight? Callie looked sad. In the silence, Arizona felt Callie's presence deeply. Callie walked over and took Arizona's hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She whispered, rubbing her thumb into Arizona's palm as Sofia set the table in the distance. "I didn't want to hurt you today. I know how you feel."

"I know, Call-" the word Calliope caught in Arizona's throat. "-ie." she finished. "But we need to talk."

"Yes, after Sof's in bed." Arizona met Callie's eyes again. She wasn't afraid anymore of Callie's reaction. Arizona knew that Callie did not want to be with her, even though the breakup of their marriage still left Callie reeling. Callie just hadn't fully absorbed that either decision would involve pain. Arizona knew that. She would tell her as soon as she got through this trimester. And she would not let Callie take her back just for the babies.

"Dinner, mommies!" Sofia announced.

So Arizona was eating with them. She slid a piece of pizza onto her plate and watched Callie tease Sofia. Callie was so good with kids, Arizona thought. And she fell a little deeper in love with Callie. Arizona took a careful bite – the different cheeses combined perfectly with the rich garlic marinara and the perfectly sautéed mushrooms and onions. Callie was good at cooking, too.

"Mama, you need to eat more!" Sofia declared. Sofia and Callie were both on their second slice. Arizona looked down at her slice, which had a sparse four bites taken out of it.

"Mama hasn't been feeling well in the evenings lately, Sof. She's not been great at eating lately but she's trying." Callie stared intently at Arizona, not blinking. Arizona's heart thumped loudly, blood rushing to her head. Did Callie know? Why would she say that?

"Thank you for you thoughtfulness, Sofia! I love that about you. You're very observant – I haven't been feeling great lately, but I will follow your orders and eat more." Arizona got up from the table and picked the little girl up from the table, twirling her in the air. She never thought she would be able to do this with her prosethetic, but here she was, doing things she never thought herself capable of. Of course, Sofia would be too big quite soon… but Arizona could enjoy this for now.

"Sof, you done with dinner?" Callie asked as Arizona set Sofia down.

"Now I am!" Sofia mumbled after stuffing the remains of her pizza in her mouth (which should have been two bites).

"Okay, then it's time to get ready for bed." Callie looked at Arizona, and headed to get ready for bed.

Arizona sat down on the couch and took off her pants, removing her prosthesis carefully, then the wrap around her stump. Underneath, her swollen stump was raw, red, and covered with marks from the too-tight prosthesis. She massaged the muscles and rubbed lotion on the unbroken skin.

"Oh, Arizona, it was a bad leg day?" Callie said as she walked in the room.

"Oh, Callie, sorry, I thought it would take longer. Let me put my pants back on." Arizona tried to put her wrap back on and then her prosthesis, but Callie put her hand gently on Arizona's leg. Shivers went through Arizona's body upon Callie's touch.

"I think we know each other well enough for this to be okay."

"So… we need to talk about today, Callie." Arizona tried to convey strength in her voice.

"I'm sorry Arizona."

"Stop saying you're sorry!" Arizona snapped. She was upset with Callie for kissing her, for tempting her with something that could not be.

"You made a choice two weeks ago, Callie. You know how I feel. I'm learning to live without you-"

"But Arizona, what if you didn't have to?"

Arizona stared at Callie. She still felt angry – this was so like Callie! The minute she didn't have something she wanted, she started to change her mind. Her feelings were swayed so quickly.

"Arizona, these past two weeks," Callie continued, "I made a mistake in therapy. I didn't realize what it would be like to live without you… to do this with you… I don't know if I made the right decision."

Arizona wanted to be careful with her words, "Callie," she paused, speaking slowly, "what exactly are you saying? Was today a mistake or not?"

"I don't know, Arizona. I think… I still love you."

The words pierced Arizona. She had wanted those words so badly, but not with Callie's hesitation. Tears filled her eyes, blurring the image of Callie.

"Today… I lost control."

Arizona looked down. She didn't want to meet Callie's eyes anymore. Callie was a host of contradictions – big, overwhelming feelings.

"But I don't feel free without you. I was confused."

"What do you want, Callie?" Arizona said softly. Her anger had dissipated.

"I want you. I do. But I don't know how much, if it's enough."

"Callie, you've always fallen in love so quickly. You're so passionate, and you care so deeply. I love," Arizona sighed, "-always loved that about you. But two weeks ago you, you were certain that we needed to separate."

A sense of calm was overtaking Arizona. She knew this was Callie's struggle, that what Callie said in therapy, was true. Callie needed to understand Callie.

"And now, you see me, having a hard time, and you're second guessing your choice. And your choice caused pain-"

"I didn't expect that" Callie interrupted, "I thought I would just feel free"

"I know. And the pain and seeing me in pain combined with…" Arizona paused, reluctant to say what was in her mind. So she took both Callie's hands, "with… the fact that I think you are still attracted to me – is making you question that decision."

Callie shoulders shook, "Arizona," she gasped between sobs, "I didn't mean it like that." Mascara ran in black streams down her cheeks.

"I know, Callie, I know. But… I think I'm right." Callie silently nodded. "So." Arizona stated.

"So…?" Callie replied.

"So, Callie, I think you need to think, a lot."

Callie's voice shook, "so, you won't take me back?"

"Callie, I didn't say that. I do still love you. But I need to trust you, I need to trust that you wanting to be with me isn't dictated by the difficulty of our situation or how quickly your beautiful, big heart falls in love. I need you to think. And we can talk."

A little smile snuck on Callie's upset face and she whispered, "The talk is good" before laying her head on Arizona's lap.

Callie continued to cry, but the sobs shook her body less. Arizona held Callie close, and realized that no matter what Callie chose, no matter how Arizona chose to reply to Callie's decision, that the two would be able to work parenting out, separated or together.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: thank you, thank you for the reviews! This is just my interpretation of Callie/Arizona. I have always thought Callie is the more impulsive one – she makes relationship decisions/changes her mind much more quickly (George, taking Arizona back quickly in S7, Penny…) , and Arizona (even though she cheated) actually thinks through things before making decisions and is quietly determined once she decides (in therapy, when she comes back in S7). So that's what these choices are based off of. **

Aug 6

Arizona woke up late the next morning, at 6 am. This was one of the first times she had slept through the night in the past few months. She showered, threw on some clothes, and looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing black dress pants and a salmon button down. She turned so she could she her profile, over-analyzing the visibility of her bump. She sighed, threw off the top, and turned to her closet to look for a different top, and she walked right into Callie.

"Callie! What are you doing?"

"The door was open, I was wondering what you wanted for breakfast. Sofia's making oatmeal, but it might turn out to be glue." Callie wasn't averting her eyes. But they were face to face, so Callie wasn't looking directly at her profile. In fact, Arizona realized, Callie was looking at Arizona's breasts, which were just ever so slightly bigger and pushing out of the edges of her normally well-fitting bra. Arizona remembered a conversation with Callie in the OR, so many years ago:

_Arizona said, "Mark stares at my boobs when we talk. He starts with my face, but then somewhere along the way, He gets distracted and ends up on my boobs. And I love guys. I love them. But I have tried my whole life to avoid the boob-staring guy. Biology even helped me by making me gay. But now my girlfriend's best friend is that guy. And I don't think that I need to apologize for the fact That the only person I want staring at my boobs is you."_

_Callie replied, "Boobs, really? You're making this about boobs? He stares at them. 'cause they're good boobs."_

Callie sharply breathed in and bit her lip, still not looking at Arizona's face. Arizona realized that from the front, her bump was not quite as apparent, perhaps, because Callie was completely ensconced in her naked body. A shiver overtook Arizona's entire body. Callie stepped toward Arizona, "Arizona…"

Callie's face was inches from Arizona's. Her long, dark locks grazed Arizona's bare shoulders. Callie reached out, gently taking the blond strands in front of Arizona's eyes and pushing them behind Arizona's ear. Callie left her hand there and stared into Arizona's light blue eyes. Arizona didn't move, afraid and longing for the woman who stood before her.

"Calliope…" she whispered, not wanting to stop. Arizona found her hand wandering to Callie's face. She twirled a lock in her hand, before resting her hand on Callie's warm cheek. Arizona wanted to grab the woman in front of her, to pull her in, to kiss her, to do so much more to her. But logic floated in the back of Arizona's mind. "Calliope… we can't do this yet."

Callie exhaled. Arizona noticed the hairs on Callie's arms were standing up straight and Callie's eyes were on Arizona's lips. Arizona felt the warm body step back. Callie inhaled, pushed her hair back, and turned around. Callie hesitantly walked out of the room. But just before walking out, Callie turned around, looking at Arizona right in the eyes.

"You," Callie said delicately, and breathed in, "you are stunning, Arizona Robbins. Just the way you are."

Arizona lay down, breathing heavily. What had just happened? She stared up at the ceiling, and imagined the woman who had stood before her just seconds earlier. She felt alive, utterly alive. Blood pulsed throughout her whole body and she felt a familiar wet feeling between her legs. She rolled over quickly and dug in her bedside drawer, pulling out the vibrator she hadn't used in so long. She would have preferred Calliope, but this would do, this would do. She closed her eyes. Arizona imagined Callie inches away from her, tracing her face with her elegant fingers, and she moved her hand down, releasing her bottled up tension and quivering in her bed.

* * *

Arizona finished and threw on her salmon shirt, which didn't quite hide her body, but she didn't care. She walked into the kitchen and tried to hide her smile. She looked at Callie with Sofia at the breakfast table. Callie met Arizona's eyes and gave Arizona a look that made Arizona feel like she was in her underwear again. Sofia ran off to get her backpack as Arizona put her coat on. Callie walked over to Arizona.

"I'm not sorry about this morning," she said, almost inaudibly. Arizona turned around to the sink, facing away from Callie. Callie maneuvered her body between the kitchen island and the sink countertop, with Arizona between. There wasn't really room for two people. The stood, inches apart. Arizona felt Callie's body immediately behind her. Callie's breasts brushed up against Arizona's back and she felt Callie's warm body ever so slightly pressed against hers.

"I am thinking and figuring myself out." Callie whispered, "I bailed. When things got hard, I bailed."

Arizona's breath caught in her chest. Arizona remembered a certain elevator conversation. Arizona was the one who bailed usually – with Africa, with kids – Arizona bailed when things got hard. But not after that.

"Arizona, I bailed. It was me. When things got hard, I bailed." Callie repeated, taking Arizona's hand from behind. "I'm not sorry about this morning, but I am sorry that I quit therapy before figuring out us."

Arizona felt Callie's hand shaking in hers.

"I'm going back, Arizona. We still have our issues, but I'm going back. I need help figuring out if I want us for us – whether I can get over…" Callie left Arizona's cheating hanging in the air, "whether I can do this."

Arizona turned around and looked into Callie's eyes. They were strong, determined.

"So, I'm going back to therapy. By myself. To figure out what I want."

Arizona impulsively let go of Callie's and wrapped her arms around Callie, hugging her so tightly. "Thank you, Callie."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: To my reviewers: yes, I agree that Arizona has her faults, and we'll get into those more soon. But I don't think she loves with limitations – she's afraid of being hurt. Arizona struggles to trust with her history of loss, which is one of the reasons she's hesitant to tell Callie. Callie needs to forgive Arizona and Arizona needs to learn to trust/heal from her trauma.  
**

Aug 7

Arizona stumbled into the attending's lounge and collapsed on the couch in the corner, rubbing her aching lower back. She hadn't been on call recently, and she was dreading the long night ahead in the hospital combined with her particularly bad day of dizziness and leg problems. Arizona was a dual board-certified pediatric surgeon and neonatal surgeon now, so she knew a good bit about how pregnancy worked. It wasn't just the morning sickness symptoms they always showed on TV. In the first trimester, which Arizona was in, progesterone levels soar to aid in the fetus's growth. Progesterone increases fatigue, lowers blood pressure, and lowers blood sugar. This can lead to dizziness and exhaustion. Arizona's body was beginning to produce extra blood, so her heart had to work harder to pump blood throughout the body. Still, the exhaustion, dizziness, back pain, and tender breasts that she rationally knew should happen surprised her. Arizona lay on the couch and curled into a fetal position, with one hand resting underneath her navy scrubs on top of her belly.

About an hour later, voices woke Arizona. She groggily opened her eyes but didn't move yet. Then, she recognized the voice.

"Of course, I love her. More than anything. But!" Callie's voice was filled with energy, "But why should I trust her? She cheated on me with Lauren, who she barely knew. And then with Leah – "

"-when you were separated." Arizona recognized Meredith's voice.

"Why does that matter?" Arizona's heart fluttered anxiously – Callie's voice was filled with anger.

"Because you weren't together."

"But Lauren… after all I did for her leg… I was so patient. How do I know she won't do it again? How do I trust her? I can't!"

"You don't know she won't do it again." Meredith said, "But… I don't think she will."

"I gave her everything Meredith. I was head over heels in love with her, and all I wanted was to help her. I can't imagine ever doing anything like that to her."

"Because you and Arizona are different humans, Callie."

"What are you saying? I shouldn't be with her?"

"No," Arizona could hear the hesitation in Meredith's voice, "I'm just saying that the meaning if you slept with someone else might be different than for Arizona in the same situation."

There was silence.

"Callie, when you're with someone, from day one, you are fully devoted to that person. You can be… intense. It's beautiful and overwhelming. Arizona has had a lot of trauma in her life, and she trusts slowly. It takes a lot of time for Arizona to commit, but when she does, she mates for life."

Arizona felt shocked by how much Meredith understood her.

"I struggled with Derek, to trust him, to see a life that had children and happiness, and his desire for a house and kids scared me – trusting someone and letting yourself be completely vulnerable can be damn scary."

"But… what does this have to do with cheating?" Callie asked.

"Arizona committed, but losing her leg made her scared for her as well as you. She knows what it's like to lose someone you love. She lost part of herself, too. For her, that affair – I think, at least – didn't have that commitment. She was lost and didn't understand this dark part of herself emerging after she lost her leg. The affair was physical, about someone being attracted to the body Arizona felt detached from."

"That's your interpretation."

"And it was wrong, Callie, of course it was awful! But it wasn't love."

As entranced in the conversation as Arizona was, she started to drift off. No coffee was having its consequences.

"So… that's why you think she wouldn't do it again."

"I'm not a therapist – "

"Obviously," Callie said, and both women laughed.

"But I have enough experience with therapy and knowledge of Arizona to know that Arizona was in a dark place then, and I think she loved you the whole time, but she knew she was afraid to let you in. She was afraid to let you love the dark and twisty person she had become."

"You think she's ready?"

"It took her a long time to love herself after the plane crash and losing her leg. It took a long time for her to realize she deserved love and to let herself be vulnerable again. But, Callie. She's certain. She's been certain for a long time – since before you moved into your house, since Bailey's wedding – she wants you."

"But… why did she cheat? All this psycho-babble makes some sense, but… she cheated."

"We all screw up, Callie. I'm not going to make excuses. But it was easier for her to have meaningless, physical sex with someone who was physically attracted to her than to have sex with someone who she loved and who she was scared would love her back – someone she could hurt. Having someone love you when you're dark and twisty," Meredith sighed, "It's absolutely fucking terrifying."

"So… she took the easy way out."

"Yeah."

"I just don't understand her. I see her… and I just want to love her so badly. I can't imagine loving someone that deeply and making the choices she did…"

"Trauma," Meredith yawned, "it does a job on a person."

After a moment, Meredith continued: "Your struggle to trust her… it's probably pretty similar to how she felt before. But, Callie, I do think she's in this. She mates for life. She's in love with you – she never stopped, through all of her trauma."

"I love her, too. I'm just scared."

"You both are."

Arizona was still fast asleep. From across the room, Callie noticed Arizona's leg sitting on the seat next to the couch Arizona lay on.

"Oh, damn." Callie whispered. "Do you think she heard?"

"Would it be that bad if she did?" Meredith asked.

"No, no it wouldn't." Callie smiled and walked over to Arizona. The blond was deeply asleep, still clutching her stomach with one hand. Callie grabbed a blanket and draped it over her wife with care and quiet. "Because I do love her."

* * *

Aug 8

Arizona woke up the next morning, her back sore, but whether from pregnancy or sleeping a night on the couch, she wasn't sure. She remembered most of last night, but not all. Impulsively, she texted Callie, who had gone home at a regular hour last night.

_A: Can we talk this weekend?_

Surprisingly, Callie texted right back

_C: I'm still thinking. But I do still love you Arizona, I don't know if you realize that. _

_A: I know, Callie. I know there's more to this decision than love. But I need to talk to you about something else._

_C: Okay. This weekend, then._

Arizona sighed. She couldn't get out of it now. Callie was in, or Callie was out. She wanted Callie to trust her, so she needed to open up to Callie.

Arizona had a super special case today, a young girl who she had been treating for five years now. Maia had been born with the worst luck – a heart defect that had required three open heart surgeries, and now, they had discovered a mass on her bladder that, thank goodness was benign, but kept growing and could potentially impact her fertility if left to obstruct her uterus. Maia was sweet and shy, and rarely acted out like a lot of the long-term peds cases sometimes did.

"So, Dr. Grey, here is going to help me out with this surgery. Dr. Grey is so good, it's going to be a piece of cake for her."

Maia nervously smiled, revealing a mouth only half-full of teeth falling out. "But… you've always done surgery on me before… with Dr. Teddy like a Teddy bear and the other one…" Maia began to whisper, "who's always a little grumpy."

"Yes, that's because our friend Teddy is a cardiothoracic surgeon, so she works on hearts. Dr. Grey, here, works on your body parts that are" Arizona pointed to her belly, "down here." Arizona's stomach lurched. She had skipped breakfast, yet somehow, she was still nauseous. She pulled herself together, loudly uttering, "Can I tell you a secret?"

Maia squealed.

"Dr. Grey is AWESOME. She's a surgery superhero and she's going to fix you up better than anyone in this hospital."

"But… you'll be there, too."

Arizona squeezed Maia's hand. Meredith spoke this time, "Dr. Robbins will be helping me out the whole way through. She's a surgery superhero, too."

"And what you're doing… will let me have kids grow in my belly when I'm older? Like you, Dr. Robbins?"

"Well, Maia, my daughter was never in my belly, but yes, that's why we're doing it."

Maia looked at Arizona's belly, then at Meredith's. "Okay. I'm scared."

"Yeah, surgery can be pretty scary sometimes. But we'll be there the whole time." Arizona gave Maia a big hug. She loved this about peds – in other specialties, there were all these rules about boundaries. But in peds – the rules were ever evolving, and physical patient interaction was considered now to be a primary part of peds – i.e. she could hug her patients. Maia wrapped her arms around Arizona's waist. Soon, soon Arizona would have two more of her own.

* * *

"Someone was very maternal today…" Meredith joked as they walked out.

"That's just normal me!" Arizona smiled. "But, truly, pregnancy is kicking my butt. My emotions are all over the place and everything, everything hurts."

"Are you still throwing up all the time?"

"Yep, food or no food, my body thinks most evenings, and mornings are a great time for me to reject my stomach. And somehow, I'm simultaneously hungry and nauseous." Arizona's stomach growled. "And, I think I'm doing a bad job of gaining weight. My stomach feels enormous but everything else feels different."

Arizona and Meredith headed toward the cafeteria for lunch. From a distance, Arizona saw Callie watching her. Arizona's heart beat faster. They met eyes briefly before Arizona saw black dots in her vision. She heard a buzzing and knew what was coming.

"Meredith – I think I'm going to pass out," she said, but Arizona had already lost her hearing and she collapsed to the floor.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **** Arizona and Callie are still legally married. This fic started two days after they finished therapy, so they hadn't divorced yet.**

Arizona came to and she was on the linoleum cafeteria floor. Meredith was kneeling beside her, and Callie was next to her, too. Callie was pressing a cold cloth on her forehead.

"Good, you weren't out for too long." Meredith said, relief filling her voice.

Arizona was still dizzy. She tried to sit up, but Callie put her other hand on her chest. "We're getting a wheelchair. Don't move."

"Arizona, your heart rate is very low as is your blood pressure. We need you lying down until we get you stabilized." Arizona was so, so tired. "Have you eaten today?"

Arizona shook her head and bit her lips. She knew she needed to be thinking about her health, but all she could think was, "This isn't how I want Callie to find out. I need to tell Callie myself."

The wheelchair had arrived.

"Okay, 'Zona, do you think you can try to sit up a little bit?" Arizona lifted her head off the ground slowly. Nope, that didn't make her dizzy. She slowly used her hands to lift her back up just a little bit. She felt Callie's hand on her back, helping her to a fully seated position. "How's that feel? Let's just stay here for a moment."

Arizona looked into Callie's eyes. "Thank you," she mouthed.

"Do you think you're ready for me and Mer to help you into the wheelchair?" Arizona nodded. She felt Callie's strong arms beneath her shoulders, and she pushed herself off the ground with her hand.

"I, uh, really am feeling okay now…"

"Nope. Passing out is not normal." Callie wheeled Arizona into an elevator.

"Callie, I think we need to talk sooner than this weekend."  
"Yeah, we do."

Callie wheeled Arizona into an empty patient room and helped her onto the bed. Arizona didn't know what to say, but she knew that she had to tell Callie now, before all the medical tests. Callie gathered supplies – a blood pressure monitor, thermometer, etc.

Callie took Arizona's blood pressure – 80/50. Every time the woman touched Arizona's skin, Arizona's whole body shook. The long fingers put the small clamp on Arizona's finger to measure her heart rate – 44. This wasn't good, Arizona knew, but neither said anything. Callie handed Arizona a dressing gown and pointed to the scale. Arizona's body ached and the thought of taking her clothes off overwhelmed her. Arizona looked at the thin dressing gown, with its tiny flowers, and devastation hit her all of sudden.

How had she gotten to this place? Unable to speak with Calliope, pregnant, alone? Why had she waited so long? Why had she cheated? She had lost the love of her life. Why couldn't she trust? She hurt so deeply, and felt so alone. Tim was gone, Callie was… not hers. There was a part of herself that she didn't understand. Arizona had messed everything up and she was terrified of making a decision – any decision – that could make the pain worse. She was frozen and she was mad at herself for not being stronger. Everything hurt.

And then she was crying, sobbing. She rocked back and forth, trying to calm herself down with that repetitive rhythm. Her body convulsed. The pain was too much, and she was part of the cause of her own pain. She grabbed her arm and put her mouth on it, biting down. The pressure helped, but she was alone. Calliope's indifference hurt more than anything. Arizona's head was down, but she could not feel Callie near her. She longed for the comfort of Callie's warm hands, and that absence increased her pain. Arizona knew her own trauma prevented her from getting what she wanted. She felt so, utterly, impossibly messed up.

She felt the bed sink under the pressure of another body. Why wouldn't Callie do what Arizona had done for Callie? Arizona had held Callie as Callie sobbed, even after they were broken up. Arizona looked up. Callie was across from her, not more than a foot, but the distance felt unbroachable.

"Arizona… do you want me to hold you?" That was all Arizona wanted. The pair met eyes and Arizona silently nodded. Callie moved over and cradled Arizona.

Arizona didn't know how much time passed. She cried until there was nothing left, and in the absence of tears, she felt strangely at peace.

"Calliope," she said, feeling the name on her lips, the name that only Arizona called her. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know quite what to say."

"Just try, Arizona. I'm listening, I'm here."

"I…" Arizona took a deep breath, "I made a huge mistake with Lauren. And now I've made another mistake. I, I, I…" Arizona paused, realizing she should take the time to find her words. "I am always terrified of loss and that fear paralyzes me. I'm afraid to take action – any action – that could cause more loss. But… sometimes my freezing causes more loss."

Arizona's own words cut her to her core. "I try to be happy and positive and rainbows and smiles, that's how I deal with the trauma. But I'm not whole, that's not all of who I am. It's just how I deal with the horror of this world." Arizona heard the truth echoing in the room, and the truth stung.

"I lost you when I spent all of my time post-amputation terrified of how the dark and twisty Arizona could hurt you. I was terrified to trust you, to love you, to let you love me back… to let you in."

"And, so, I slept with someone else. Because it was easier to let someone who barely knew me make me feel less detached from my new body than to risk letting you in, letting someone I loved more than anyone, see my pain. But it was the biggest mistake of my life. And I regret it every damn day."

Arizona grabbed Callie's hands and squeezed. She wanted to impart the depth of her emotions that she didn't know how to put into words.

Arizona paused, "I was afraid if you loved me, this painful, messed up, dark me… if you loved me the way you love… that my pain would transfer to you. But you already loved me that way."

Callie was crying, now.

"I don't blame myself for my reaction. If I learned anything from Dr. Dawson, it's that everyone reacts to trauma in different ways. I freeze. But my reaction to trauma… it traumatized you, too."

Arizona knew she had to tell Callie, it was the zenith of the conversation. "And I froze again, Callie. I didn't let you in when I should have."  
Arizona dared to look up, to watch the face that she knew so well.

"Callie, I'm pregnant. The IVF took. I was going to tell you this weekend"

But Callie's face didn't show shock or anger or hurt.

"I know."

"You know?"  
"Of course I know, Arizona. We live in the same house. You've barely been eating and that night – it wasn't the first night you threw up. I knew for sure when I saw you in your underwear. You're pretty tiny, missy, so that bump shows fast."

Arizona's heart raced. Callie was calling her by a nickname! Was this positive? Arizona couldn't read Callie's face.

"Callie… please, tell me what you're thinking."

Callie moved closer to Arizona's face. She was so close that Arizona could see every exquisite curved jet-black eyelash. Little black rivers of dried mascara and tears covered her face. Arizona clenched her fists, panicked about Callie's answer, bracing for an answer. But Callie moved closer, tilting her head, and pressed her lips against Arizona's. Arizona's heart surged with hope. Callie tenderly pushed Arizona down onto the bed, laying down next to her, all while kissing Arizona more passionately than perhaps ever before. Arizona let Callie take all the action, laying still, but kissing back. She traced the outline of Callie's lips with her tongue and got shivers every time her nose grazed Callie's warm cheeks. Callie put her hand on Arizona's head, running her fingers through Arizona's hair, then slowly moved the hand down Arizona's back. Arizona's body trembled in pleasure and she felt a familiar vibration between her legs that she hadn't felt for so long. She embraced Callie's lips with hers and explored the mouth she had missed so much. She slowly closed her lips on Callie's as she felt a soothing hand on her stomach.

"I'm thrilled and petrified and beyond happy." Callie whispered, her voice breaking midway through. "I'm still scared of being hurt again… but we both hurt each other more than anything. And… this is what I want. I love you, Arizona. You are amazing. I love you," she repeated. Callie's magnificent mouth was wide in a peaceful smile as happy tears ran down her cheeks. Arizona thought she was out of tears, but she found that silent tears ran down her cheeks, too.

Arizona moved both of Callie's hands onto her stomach, the little bump that she had come to treasure.

"Did I tell you that we're having twins?"

Arizona heard a sob catching in Callie's throat and Arizona was pulled into a tight embrace by Callie's resilient arms. They held each other for hours, finally both falling asleep. Arizona was able to sleep completely at peace for the first time in months.

* * *

When they both woke up, the sun was setting and golden light spilled through the room's curtains. A groggy Callie took Arizona's hand.

"We should finish your work up, 'Zona. We, uh, kinda got distracted."

"I'm fine, Callie." Arizona rolled over and sat up, but before she could stand, Callie was in front of her.

"No, we're going to finish checking up on your vitals. We make decisions together. We ARE together, because I love you and you love me, and none of the rest of it matters. We. Are. Together. And if you ever sleep with anyone again, I will kick the crap out of you. Now, you sit your ass back down there, because those are my babies in there and I don't want anything happening to my babies!" Callie exclaimed, sitting back down next to Arizona.

"Your babies," Arizona smiled. She closed her eyes, struggling to believe this was happening.

"Our babies," Callie replied, taking Arizona's hand. And the two watched the sun set over Seattle, a warm sherbert orange sky blanketing the city. Arizona felt hopeful for the future. She put her hand over her stomach. Seconds later, she felt a second hand, and she memorized this moment – everything about it – because she could not be happier.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: realized that I miscalculated some of the dates, but I haven't gone back to change them all yet. Just to clarify, Arizona is about 11 weeks pregnant in this chapter. I will go back and change the rest soon. **

**Also, I am making up some facts about Arizona's past, since we don't know where she went to undergrad. **

Aug 7

Callie insisted that Arizona be worked up fully, even though Arizona insisted she was fine. Dr. Bracknell didn't have unscheduled appointments, and this wasn't an emergency, so Arizona was seen by the on-call OB-GYN, who recorded Arizona's stats with a grimace. BP: 78/50, weight: 123, heart rate: 48.

Arizona lay in the bed, frustrated beyond belief. "I'm FINE," she hissed at Callie as they waited for the on-call OB-GYN, "I just haven't been the best at hydrating."

"You've lost eight pounds since getting pregnant. That's not normal."

"Most of pregnancy weight gain doesn't happen until week 14."

The OB-GYN, Dr. Tom Meyers, walked in, "I see that Dr. Torres is concerned about your weight, too. Out of all your vitals, that's the one I'm most worried about. Your BP and heart rate are probably low because you haven't eaten well today. Regardless, I'd like to do some bloodwork and do an ultrasound."

Dr. Meyers prepped the ultrasound, "For a normal twin pregnancy, you should be eating about 3000 calories a day and bump that up when you get to the final trimester. Since you've already lost a significant amount of weight, I'd like to have you eating 3500-3700 calories a day until you're back on a good weight range. What's your current diet like?"

Callie answered for Arizona, "She can eat in the morning, but she generally gets really sick at night and is just picking at food at this point. Sometimes she gets sick during the day, too." Callie sat down next to Arizona a put her hand on Arizona's shoulder. Arizona pulled her shirt up and revealed the slight bump. Arizona watched Callie, who gazed at Arizona's stomach with the most care and Arizona was reminded all over again of why she loved Callie so much. Dr. Meyers squeezed the gel and moved the ultrasound wand around Arizona's stomach. Both Callie and Arizona watched the monitor carefully. After a little navigation, the first sac appeared on the screen, containing the little body. A calming whooshing sound filled the room – the heartbeat. In a moment, the second body appeared, followed by the reassuring in and out beat.

"They… they both have heartbeats." Callie's voice caught in her throat. "They're okay." Arizona turned to look at Callie. Gentle tears rolled down Callie's face, and she was biting her lips to fight back the sobs of relief. Callie bent over the bed and hugged Arizona tightly.

"Callie! You're going to get gel all over you." Arizona laughed, but she leaned into the hug, so unbelievably grateful for those warm arms, for that specific warm body. She had yearned for this for so long.

"I don't care." Callie smiled, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "They're our babies. They're okay. You're okay." Callie put her hand on Arizona's shoulder, "But this? This is not okay. I know it's been a while since I held you last, but I can feel the weight you've lost. Starting now, you're taking better care of yourself! Those are my babies, too."

Dr. Meyers wiped the gel away from Arizona's stomach and said, "Well, then, I think my job here is done."

* * *

Arizona and Callie picked up a very tired Sofia from daycare and went home after picking up some take out and a bunch of meal supplement drinks, which Callie insisted Arizona would drink for every meal she failed to finish. Arizona was exhausted, so Callie put Sofia to bed. They hadn't explained anything to Sofia yet since their reconciliation was still so new.

Arizona was sleeping in the master bedroom, and Callie had been sleeping in one of the guest bedrooms, since their master bedroom was equipped for Arizona's leg. They had bought a big house, back when they had dreamed of that life with ten kids. Arizona threw on an oversized Bowdoin t-shirt, where she had gone to undergrad, just like Derek. She crawled under the sheets and closed her eyes and imagined filling the house with their kids – not just these twins, but a big family, just like Callie wanted. A small voice interrupted her.

"Goodnight, mama!" Sofia bounded next to Arizona's bed and gave her a goodnight kiss and hug.

"Goodnight, sweetie. I love you." Arizona smiled.

"Mami, aren't you going to say goodnight, too?"

"Goodnight, Arizona. I'll see you… tomorrow." Arizona met Callie's eyes, and Callie winked. Arizona yawned and felt Callie pull the covers over her aching body. She closed her eyes and what felt like only moments later, she heard her door squeak open.

"I tried to tiptoe past Sofia's room on my way back." Callie crawled in next to Arizona, and moved her body close to Arizona's, mirroring the curve of Arizona's back. Arizona turned to face Callie, and they were inches apart.

"We shouldn't be sneaking around our daughter, Calliope." Arizona savored Callie's full name on her lips. She had wanted to say it for so long. "We need to figure out how to tell her without breaking all her trust. We just told her that we were separating." Callie snuggled closer, and wrapped her arm around Arizona's back.

"I know. We will. But tonight – tonight I want to sleep with my wife. I want to hold my wife, who had a really tough day. I want to be held by my wife, because I had a really tough day, too."

Arizona pushed herself up a little, and kissed Callie on the forehead. She took Callie's face in her hands and kissed her slowly, deeply, gently. She felt the gorgeous lips on hers. Pulling away, hands still holding Callie's face, she whispered, "I want my wife, too." She wrapped her arms around Callie and moved her leg around Callie's legs. She closed her eyes, relishing in the warmth of Callie. Feeling completely safe and cared for, Arizona slept soundly.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay, I did all the calculations with a backwards due date calculator, so my weeks are finally correct, ha! Also, I am not in the medical field in any way, so my descriptions of the procedure/conditions are totally wrong. **

Aug. 10 (12 weeks, 5 days)

Arizona felt Callie roll out of the bed and she groggily opened her eyes. 5:15 am. Ugh. Her whole body ached.

"Good morning, sleepy." Callie whispered in Arizona's ear, biting it ever so slightly.

"Not now, Callie, I'm not in the mood." Arizona sat up slowly, brushing her hand through her hair. She dangled her right leg on the side of the bed and felt the weight of her changing body press on the bed. Callie had been so insistent on her increased caloric intake, but eating that much was difficult, especially when she couldn't keep a lot of it down. Arizona was always full now, and she hated forcing herself to eat when she mainly just wanted to sleep.

Callie walked to the other side of the bed and sat next to Arizona, putting her hands on the left stump. She pressed her thumbs into the skin, rubbing in circular motions. "Is the swelling bothering your leg?"

"No, it's just that I feel like lead. My whole body. My back aches and I feel so heavy." Arizona lay back.

"We both know that you're barely straddling 125." Arizona felt Callie's hands move ever so slightly up, grazing the top of her leg. Arizona didn't feel like sex, but a visible shiver shook her whole body originating from where Callie's hands were all the way to her shoulders. "And exercise will help with those aches." Callie's hands inched up farther. Arizona's back arched in anticipation.

Callie crawled onto the bed and was kneeling over Arizona: "I think you do want something." Callie whispered, following by kissing Arizona and nibbling her lips ever so slightly. Callie kissed Arizona's neck, and reached her hands under Arizona's ratty Bowdoin nightshirt.

"Callie," Arizona groaned, as Callie cupped Arizona's breasts and delicately danced her fingers around her nipples. "Callie, I'm… I just… I don't… I'm just… pregnant."

Callie's lips cupped Arizona's naked shoulders, nightshirt thrown off.

"I feel so…" Arizona was hot. Her body burned for Callie. But she also felt heavy and uncomfortable and not herself. "unattractive" she finished.

"Arizona Robbins," Callie said, kneeling over her wife and staring straight into her eyes, "you are REMARKABLE right now. And every time I see you at work, I want to drag you into an on call room and do all sorts of things to you. You are stunning."

Arizona grabbed Callie's shirt and pulled her closer. "Tell me more."

"Your hair glows. It always did, but it's shinier and curlier now. And you can smile with your eyes. Like you are right now." Arizona lifted Callie's shirt over her head and pushed Callie so she was laying on the bed next to her.

She moved her hand down Callie's soft back and whispered, "so…"

"I love your changing body. I love that you still haven't gotten new bras even though you're definitely up a cup size and they're spilling out of your bra." Arizona grabbed Callie's wandering hands and placed them on her breasts.

"And I love your little bump and how it already sticks out so much on your delicate body." Callie moved her hands lower, rubbing Arizona's distended abdomen. Arizona body trembled and she convulsed, pulling Callie in and moving Callie's hands exactly where she wanted them to be.

"I love everything about you, Arizona. You being pregnant has only made me want you more." Callie manipulated her fingers and stimulated Arizona's pleasure center. Arizona grabbed the sheets tightly with both her hands and felt desire pulsate through her lower half.

"More, Calliope." Arizona gasped as Callie continued to rub her fingers methodically and as Callie kissed and nibbled her neck. Arizona felt a wet release between her legs which covered Callie's fingers.

"And I think you want me, too," Callie finished.

* * *

Arizona and Callie took a single car to the hospital that day. They still hadn't told Sofia, and were careful to contain their early morning excitement in their minds. Still, Arizona noticed a twinkle in Callie's eyes every time she looked at her. Callie walked Arizona to her lab after dropping Sofia off at daycare, as it was on her way to ortho.

"Now, 'Zona, don't forget: morning snack at 10 am. And the entire sandwich." The two had argued that morning whether a sandwich was a snack or a meal, with Arizona grumbling that it should be a meal, and Callie arguing that Arizona needed 500+ calorie snacks to make it to 3700. Arizona rolled her eyes. "AND if you don't finish, you have to drink this." Callie swiped a meal replacement drink out of her white coat and handed it to Arizona.

Arizona sighed and rolled her eyes to an extreme. Callie swooped in for a quick peck, before teasing "that's the attitude I know so well" and rushing to rounds. Meredith just happened to be walking by, and she raised her eyebrows, smiled, and said, "Lucky it was just me."

Arizona prepped for the day – she had one patient with Dr. Herman and a number of peds patients. Right as she was finishing her review, Dr. Herman walked into the lab.

"What's on the docket today, Robbins?"

"Abbie Forester, 27, supraventricular arrhythmia with a history of anorexia nervosa, presenting with a fetus with an atrial septal defect. Abbie broke her hips about a week ago, but her arrhythmia has presented as unstable and we've been unable to surgically fix them. We immobilized her and started parenteral nutrition. Her weight has stabilized as are her glucose and sodium levels. I consulted with Dr. Torres – "

"In bed" Herman interjected.

"Wha-aa-aat?" Arizona stuttered. "Dr. Torres and I… we're coparenting."

"It was bound to happen, Robbins. Your reaction just confirms it." Dr. Herman flipped through the file, finally looking up after Arizona didn't respond. Arizona tried to put on her most frustrated face. "Calm down, Robbins. I saw you two holding hands in the parking lot yesterday. We're not in middle school."

"Yes, erm, Dr. Torres and I are together. Back to the case, I consulted with Dr. Torres – "

"Call her Callie, for God's sake. She is your wife."

"_I consulted with Callie_" Arizona frustrated, continued, "and we agreed that we should set Abbie's hips today and place the screws. If Abbie is stable following that surgery, I will attempt to fix the atrial septal defect with a intrauterine probe surgery."

"Sounds good, Robbins. I think you can fly solo on this one."

"Thank you, Dr. Herman. I'm ready."

* * *

Arizona didn't watch Callie's surgery on Abbie – her part of the surgery was at 1:00 p.m., and after taking her heart rate and blood glucose levels at 11:30, she knew she needed a big lunch in preparation for the important surgery. She scrubbed and walked into the OR.

"What's the status, Dr. Torres?" Arizona tried to remain as professional as possible.

"Stable throughout the whole surgery. Heart rate remained above 60 the whole procedure, and fetal heart rate was strong as well."

"Great. Let's prep the incision site. Betadine, Bokhee." Arizona sterilized the large belly on the tiny woman and prepared the probe to insert to light up the uterus.

"Angle check?"

"Correct, doctor."

Arizona carefully inserted the probe and lit up the uterus. Deftly maneuvering over the course of three hours, she closed the tiny hole in the fetus's heart. Sweat dripped down her neck by the end. She needed to navigate the tiny probe she had used to repair the heart out of the chamber and out of the womb and then she would be done.

"Dr. Robbins, do you need a washcloth."

"No, Tracy, thank you." Tracy was her favorite scrub nurse. "But can you steady my back?" Everyone would think it was because of her leg, but her back ached from her pregnancy. She knew Tracy would have to scrub again, but this would help steady her. "I'm holding the probe tightly, so whenever you can, I could use a steadying hand on my back."

Arizona felt a hand on her back, and then one on her stomach, too. She hadn't expected Tracy to put a hand on both, but it did make sense. She felt Tracy's gaze on her. "Okay, pulling out." Arizona successfully got the probe out and was beginning to close.

"Doctor, we've got sinus brady!" Damn, Arizona thought. This was a typical reaction of patients with anorexia.

"Push two of atropine" Arizona instructed, and she massaged the carotid to increase the heart rate. She glanced at the fetal heart rate, which was normal, thank goodness. Abbie's heart was still in sinus brady. "Two more of atropine," Arizona instructed after a minute and a continually lowering heart rate.

She watched the monitor with anxiety. Finally, finally, the heart rate normalized. Arizona closed her up and washed up. "Make sure she's on beta blockers after for the sinus brady, and test her sodium levels. Restart her on PN nutrition." Abbie was going to pull through, but it wouldn't be an easy recovery.

Arizona's own heart was racing. Adrenaline rushed through her body. Her aches and pains of her changing body weren't quite so present, and she felt that surgery high. This had been her hardest surgery yet. She texted Callie from the scrubbing area, "Callie, come to the gallery of OR 4."

Arizona headed up the stairs and waited. The OR emptied as Abbie was taken to recovery and then the OR was resterilized. Where was Callie? Finally, she heard the door open.

Arizona walked toward Callie wordlessly. Arizona smiled, big, and met Callie's deep caramel eyes. "I missed you." Arizona took control this time, pushing Callie up against the gallery wall and sneaking her hands underneath the brunette's navy scrubs. She unhooked Callie's bra while exploring Callie's neck with her lips. Callie gasped in enjoyment. Arizona massaged Callie's breasts and then pressed her body against Callie's. Arizona felt Callie's nipples harden and felt a tingling between her own legs.

"Arizona," Callie inhaled, squeezing Arizona's shoulders with her hands as her body convulsed. Arizona felt attracted to every single bit of Calliope and energy rushed through her body. They were a tangled single unit, kissing and grasping each other like never before. "Arizona…" Callie said quietly as they stumbled closer to the gallery window. Arizona opened her eyes, and looked down to the operating room below them.

The next surgery had begun to be prepped – and below them, there was Alex, Bailey, Webber, and a half dozen nurses.

"Well, I guess our secret's out now." Arizona said.

"I'm okay with everyone knowing that I love you," Callie smiled, and she dove in for a final kiss as Alex let out a single cheer, followed by clapping by all. Arizona let Callie take all her weight and hold her tightly. Arizona simultaneously kissed back and looked intently at Callie. They were both smiling with their eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! If you haven't noticed, my work schedule is a little unpredictable and I tend to write in bursts. **

Aug. 10

"Sofia, there's something we'd like to talk to you about." Callie began, and Arizona placed Sofia's plate in front of her.

"I know the past month has been pretty confusing for you. Do you remember when you got in a fight with Olivia?" Arizona started.

Sofia nodded, slurping her spaghetti.

"Well, Mama and I were fighting for a while, too. But we always loved each other." Callie continued. Neither of the women had touched the food on their plates.

"And that's why you and mama are still my mommies. You're my mommies together or not together." Sofia talked with food in her mouth. Callie opened her mouth to correct her, but Arizona gave her eyes.

"Well, you know how you and Olivia didn't play for a few days at daycare" Arizona added, going off the general script she and Callie had prepared after Abbie's surgery. Sofia nodded. She had somehow managed to get spaghetti sauce all over her face, all the way on her forehead. Arizona bit her lip to suppress a giggle.

"Well, Mami and I had to figure out some things. You know how I lost my leg and that was really hard on me? That was hard on Mami, too. We both always loved you, but losing my leg made us fight a lot. Mami and I took a break for a bit – "

"And taking a break helped us calm down and find the answers. Mama and I took some time and worked really hard." Callie finished.

"Mami and I are staying together." Arizona added, just in case it wasn't clear to Sofia. Arizona couldn't read her young daughter. Sofia was intently cutting her broccoli into smaller and small pieces with her fork. "I know this must be confusing for you – we told you a little bit ago that we would always be your mommies, but we were splitting up. Mami and I realized that we both wanted to be together. We figured out some of the things we were fighting about, and we are working on the other things."

"Sofibug, what are you thinking?" Callie slid her chair next to Sofia.

"Ummm…. I thought you and mama already were together. I thought you made up…" Sofia pursed her lips… "A few days ago?"

Arizona laughed, and pulled in her daughter for a tight hug.

"Mami kissed you goodnight." Sofia looked up at Arizona, who dabbed a napkin in water and wiped Sofia's mouth.

"You're so observant, my darling." Arizona scrubbed the sauce off Sofia's beaming face. A few hairs got wet and upon becoming damp, they curled into little tendrils around her face. Arizona's hand instinctively went to her belly. She hoped these two would have Callie's gorgeous, slightly curly hair, too.

* * *

Arizona put Sofia to bed that night. She wandered down the hallway, running her hand against the wall. She looked at the photos on the wall – Mark, Sofia, and Callie; Sofia in the NICU, Sofia's first steps, Arizona and Callie's wedding – and was filled with warmth. She heard Callie enter their bedroom. She waited a few minutes before entering. Arizona clicked the door shut as she entered. Callie was sitting up in the bed reading.

Arizona leaned on the wall and took her pants off slowly, waiting for Callie to notice. She lifted her shirt above her head and tossed the pair into the laundry bin. Finally, Callie looked up. Between dinner and Sofia's bath, Arizona had put her high heeled leg on. Arizona turned slowly, standing as straight as possible.

"Tonight's our first real night as wives again. I thought we might want to celebrate a bit."

Callie, somewhat ungracefully, leapt out of bed and walked toward Arizona.

"Unfortunately," Arizona whispered, lifting Callie's shirt off as Callie sat on the bed, "we can't have champagne, but…" Arizona moved her left leg around Callie, then her right, wrapping her knees around Callie's waist. Callie spread her legs and their lower halves met, "I don't think we need that, do you?"

Callie wrapped her arms around Arizona's waist, and nuzzled her face against Arizona's neck. Slightly moving back, she said, "Is this still the leg that's waterproof?"

Arizona met Callie's eyes, smiled just a little bit deviously, and nodded. Callie stood up, lifting her wife with her, and carried Arizona to the shower as Arizona held on tightly and stared at her wife in anticipation.

Callie set Arizona down and turned on the shower. Arizona ran her fingers through Callie's silken hair as Callie's warm hands wandered down. Arizona pressed her curved stomach into Callie's exposed body and felt like the water was melding them together. Arizona opened the space between them, dancing her hand toward the space between Callie's legs. Callie panted as Arizona maneuvered her fingers into Callie's body and used her thumb to vibrate the clitoris. Arizona felt Callie's muscles spasm and Callie put all her weight against Arizona. After the wave had passed, Callie grasped Arizona firmly, one hand on her back and one hand moving downward to return the favor. Before it had even reached its destination, Arizona's body shook in anticipation. The water beat on them every second, and there was a beating drum of desire between Arizona's legs. Arizona spread her hips wide and pushed down hard onto Calliope – releasing the energy with a single, loud groan. Hand still between Arizona's legs, Callie moved her body up, and kissed Arizona with resolve, leaning in fully and tracing Arizona's teeth with her tongue. Arizona gave in completely and followed with her own exploration of Calliope's full lips. Water cascaded onto their fervent kisses as they continued to consummate the start of their reconciliation late into the night.

* * *

Aug 11

Walking into Grey-Sloan, Arizona grabbed Callie's hand. "I'm sure everyone knows by now."

"When are we going to tell everyone about…" Callie glanced down at Arizona's stomach.

"Not until the first trimester is over… but I thought it would be fun to just wait."

"Wait… for what?" Callie looked genuinely confused.

"Wait to see how long it will take them." Arizona grinned, and with her real right leg, she added a skip to her step.

"Well, that won't take long, 'Zona. You've got a solid bump already that you're barely hiding in normal clothes."

Arizona pulled Callie into an empty patient room and clicked the door shut. Arizona lifted her shirt up. "You think _this_ is a solid bump?" she asked, placing Callie's hands on her distented abdomen, "This could just be a burrito baby!"

Callie turned Arizona around, laughing, "You're sticking out a solid three, four inches at this point. The only way to hide it for much longer is by wearing scrubs 24/7." Callie, still doubled over in laughter, pulled Arizona back into the hallway. Arizona was laughing, now too.

Arizona and Callie bustled to the attending's lounge, laughing and joking together the whole way. For a moment, time felt like it was paused and Arizona reflected on the moment: she wanted to bottle up this moment, the laughter, being pregnant, being _with _Callie. Her darkest moments seemed so far away, she was living – _fully living –_ without her leg. She squeezed Callie's hand so tightly that Callie stopped laughing and met Arizona's beaming eyes. But just for a moment, and the wives laughed some more.

"Seems as if I'm wingman no more" Richard said, entering the attending's lounge, but he was smiling, too.

Compared with yesterday's dramatic surgery, Arizona's day was completely calm. She finished all of her meals and get sick once (maybe the first trimester really was ending!) and only had two simple surgeries – under an hour each. She finished her daily rounds, returning to Maia for her final patient of the day. Arizona knew she wasn't supposed to have favorites, but Maia had stolen her heart almost eight years ago. Right before entering Maia's room, Arizona put on her roller sneakers.

She felt a little unsteady. Last year, Callie had taught her to use her skates with her prosthetic leg. Even at almost thirteen weeks pregnant, her weight had shifted ever so slightly, but enough to change her balance. Still, she carefully skated in.

"Dr. Robbins!" Maia exclaimed, beaming.

"How are you today, Maia?" Arizona wanted to hug Maia so tightly and protect her from the world, from the illnesses that had ravaged her body. But Arizona only had the power to help some things, and she could only try her best to heal Maia. But she could always be there for Maia, as long as Maia was on this earth. Arizona checked Maia's vitals as Maia answered.

"I'm fine." Hmmm… Arizona thought, fine is never actually fine.

"What are you most looking forward to about getting out of the hospital?"

"I don't know."

"What about Sadie? Mira? Sophie? I bet you'll love to see them back in school again."

"If they still want to be friends with me." Maia sighed, "I can't run. I'm in the hospital ALL THE TIME. I'm not a fun friend. Everything's different."

"Sadie comes her all the time – I almost had to kick her out! You have good friends, Maia. They love you a lot and will be friends with you, even if everything's going to be a little different."  
"But I'm scared everything is going to be too different."

Arizona paused her vital check and sat on Maia's bed. Her eyes stung a little bit and she looked up to qwell the tears verging on tumbling down her cheeks.

"I used to rollerskate."

"But you do!" Maia interjected.

"I used to rollerskate _all the time._ My family used to move around a lot, which scared me a lot. Whenever we'd get somewhere new, the first thing my Dad and I would unpack were my skates and he would take me skating. No matter where I was in the world, that would stay the same. I felt safe. I rollerskated in college and I did it in med school and I did it when I started here. And then I was in an accident. They told me that I may lose my leg." Arizona paused, looking deep into Maia's eyes.

She breathed in slowly, "All I could think about was 'I'll never be able to skate again and everything will be so different.' And a lot of my life changed. But that tiny thing felt like my whole life was being taken away from me, my safety was being taken away. And I couldn't imagine my life without my leg. But… it was my life or my leg." Arizona never shyed away from talking about serious topics with her patients – if they were dealing with death so closely, she believed she should treat them as equals. "My wife decided to amputate. I –" Arizona gripped Maia's hands firmly, emphasizing every word "-am _so _lucky she saw what I couldn't. I was devastated, terrified that things would be petrifyingly different, unsafe. But, it wasn't really the skates that made me safe, it was being with the people that I loved."

Maia was clutching Arizona's hands so hard that Arizona's fingers tingled from lack of circulation.

"And you know what? I skated again. Not well, not real skates, but my sneakers. My worst fear was wrong. The only thing I really lost was my leg and even if I couldn't skate, I still would have that love and safety. And if I hadn't lost my leg, I would have lost my life."

"But I couldn't see that, Maia, all I saw was how different things were going to be. And I was so scared. But I am so happy right now. I have a daughter and a wife and work that I love and patients I love. I'm okay now. And I want that for you. And you might lose something just like I did. But it's going to be okay."

Maia was crying, "I'm so scared."

Arizona pulled her in closer, and held the sobbing child to her chest. "Shh….. shhhh…." she whispered, slowly stroking Maia's head. "I know, it's so scary. But I'm going to be here every step of the way."

Hiccuping through her sobs, Maia gulped and said, "Were you this scared?"

"Absolutely. But you're going to be okay. You're going to be great. It'll be different. But your mom will be here and Sadie and Mira and Sophie."

"And you?"

"And me. Of course, I'll be here." And Arizona rocked Maia until her sobs quieted and Maia had fallen asleep on Arizona's lap. But Arizona didn't move – this was what she loved. And for a second time that day, she stopped and took a mental photo of this moment. Arizona closed her eyes and continued to stroke the sleeping girl's hair. Everything was going to be different soon for Arizona, too. But Arizona knew it would be okay.


	12. Chapter 12

August 17

Arizona hadn't adjusted to the new normal yet. She and Callie had been back together for one week now, and Arizona was thirteen weeks pregnant. Callie was overprotective, and Arizona had yet to find a new routine. This particular morning, Arizona had a busy workday, and Callie didn't have to go in until 8 am.

Arizona rolled over in bed and looked at the clock next to her: 5:19 am. Ugh. Her stomach grumbled. She was simultaneously exhausted and hungry. She had a choice, though, to get up now and make a good breakfast or sleep more. Sleep more was so tempting… she rolled onto her back, the most comfortable position for her, and put her hands on her stomach. Her stomach felt unnaturally distended, not quite yet that overly visible pregnancy bump. But it was taught, and not the same as when Arizona had stopped exercising in college and gained a lot of weight. She wondered when she would start feeling the babies move. As a Neonatal surgeon, Arizona knew that most mothers felt movement for the first time between 18 and 22 weeks, but that first time mothers were more likely to be at the latter half of that range. But did the fact that Arizona knew make her more likely to notice these things? She rubbed her belly protectively and grazed her fingers down, toward her legs and pelvis, overthinking whether her bump was visible yet. Back and forth and back and forth to memorize the angle, to consider whether people would notice yet. Arizona didn't know why she was so consumed by people knowing. Would people think she was rash? Unsafe? She wasn't ready for the happiness that came with pregnancy. Her body was broken. She rolled over and sat up, staring at the nub of a leg right where her left knee should start.

Her body was broken, mentally and physically. And suddenly, it was home to two humans, if they could survive in it. Callie had never understood quite how dark a place Arizona had gotten into. Arizona grabbed her leg and started to put it on. Even though she was back up to 130, where she had been before the pregnancy, some of that weight gain was from the pregnancy, and she wasn't on the right track. Her prosthetic was still a little too large, and she used a microfiber cloth around her stump to make up for the space, which made it a little sweaty and uncomfortable.

With her leg on, Arizona hobbled to the closet and put on a bra and underwear, observing herself in the mirror. She looked at her side profile, and cradled the bump, barely there but different than her normal profile. She knew women carried differently, and wondered how this would change her body, and how long she could hide. Her bump was not wide and tall, the way that some women carried twins, who became lodged near their ribs which resulted in a bump starting almost horizontally below their breasts. Hers was small and low and just a little pointy, she thought, which made it hard to button her pants even though she was only thirteen weeks. She grabbed a skirt, hoping that might be a little easier. Instead, She had to pull it up higher on her waist, above her bump, which left a protruding indentation on the light blue fabric. She wasn't ready to show, she wasn't ready for people to know. She dropped the skirt to the ground, cradled her stomach, and walked to Callie's closet, feeling tears roll down her cheeks. It wasn't safe yet, her body was a ticking time bomb of chaos, she thought, with her damaged mind and mangled leg. She needed to wait as long as possible because… she let the words enter her mind for the first time … because her body was so likely to reject a pregnancy. To miscarry. She grabbed a pair of black pants from Callie's closet. Callie was larger than Arizona, so they fit around the bump easily. But Callie was taller, so they touched the ground.

Arizona sighed. She would shop later. She threw on the baggiest dress shirt she could find and went to prepare breakfast, texting Callie, "Good morning! I needed to borrow some pants. I love you! See you at work."

Arizona got to work, still stuffing a second egg and cheese sandwich in her mouth. She licked her lips, getting the last crumbs, and smiled, realizing she hadn't gotten sick in a few days. She started rounds, getting to Maia last.

"Dr. Robbins!" Maia squealed, "where are your skates?"

Arizona looked down, seeing her regular sneakers. She smiled, bolted out of the room and to the peds desk, sliding on her rollers. She wheeled into Maia's room, a little unsteady. But Maia was not there.

She suddenly felt two little arms around her waist, nearly toppiling her over. There was Maia, on roller skates. "Maia!" Arizona exclaimed.

"My parents got me Rollie shoes because I want to be just like you when I grow up. Except… I want to be able to have kids."

Arizona sat on Maia's bed, and patted the bed next to her. Maia was crying.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Robbins, I'm sorry. I didn't… I didn't " she blurted, the words catching in her throat. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Arizona hugged Maia tightly. She felt the girl's head press closely against her bosom. "Maia, Maia. You didn't hurt me at all. Why do you think I can't have kids?"

"Because Dr. Torres had your daughter. And because of your accident."

"Oh, Maia…" Arizona patted Maia's head and put her other hand on her stomach instinctively. "The accident hurt my leg, and some other parts of my body, too. My insides were a little thrown around, and my leg got infected, which is why my wife had to make the decision to have it amputated. But I came to one of the BEST hospitals in the country – right here – and I am okay. I don't have my left leg. And my insides –" she patted her belly again "might be a little more vulnerable. But there's no physical reason I can't carry a baby to term."

Arizona blinked and blinked to prevent tears from rolling down her herself say this scared her but she knew it was true.

"My uterus was not damaged, and that's the part of the body that holds a baby. And we removed the mass from you" she placed her hand on Maia "so there's no reason you can't have kids when you are old enough. Which, won't be for a very long time, young lady, because you need to go to college and med school, so you can be like me." Arizona smiled gently, and wiped her tears away. Maia was still cradled in her lap, so she didn't notice that Arizona was crying.

"I was scared." Maia gulped.

"I know. I'm scared a lot of the time, too. But, Maia, the surgery went well, really well, and look, here's Dr. Grey!"

Meredith walked in the room, noticing Arizona with a look of slight concern on her face.

"Dr. Grey, I was just telling Maia how well the surgery went, and that she can have kids when she is older."

"Just like Dr. Robbins can have a baby!" Maia squealed, jumping out of bed.

"Yes, just like Dr. Robbins! Because Dr. Robbins is a superhero surgeon and navigated your insides so you can be pregnant just like her."

Maia looked at Dr. Robbins in astonishment, "Dr. Robbins, you're pregnant?" Arizona's heart was beating so fast, and she met Meredith's eyes in shock. Meredith noticed immeadiately and tried to backtrack.

"Oh, no, Maia, I just meant that you can be like her when you are older and have a baby if you want."

But Maia was skating around her small room, chanting "Dr. Robbins is having a baby! A baby!"

Then she skated out of her room, yelling the same while skating around the whole peds ward.

Meredith quietly mouthed "I'm so sorry." And came to sit next to Arizona. "I thought that meant she knew… I'm so sorry. But you are out of the first trimester."

Arizona sighed. This is not the way she wanted everyone to find out. She skated out of the room and said, "I need to find Callie."


	13. Chapter 13

August 18

As it turned out, Maia's gleeful belief that Arizona was pregnant did not convince the whole hospital, despite Arizona's worries. Children screaming in the hallways were actually fairly common, and Meredith had corralled Maia before too many nurses had heard. Those who had heard thought it was just Maia, as far as Arizona and Meredith could glean.

Callie, however was a different story.

"You are 13.5 weeks! We can tell people now." Callie fumed as they drove to work the next day.

"I'm a high risk pregnancy, we need to wait longer. You always want to do things so quickly!" Arizona countered, twirling her locks around her fingers, a nervous habit.

"Why are you making this about me?"

"I'm not! I'm just saying you do things awful quickly and we don't know if I'm okay yet." Arizona calmly replied, while Callie slammed on the brakes.

Callie angrily grunted, focusing on the road, or at least pretending to focus."Do you even want this?"

Arizona was stunned. And angry. Of course she wanted this. She remained silent.

"I'm sorry." Callie muttered, "I just don't understand why you are so reluctant about all this." Callie reached out to touch Arizon'a's knee, but Arizona instinctively jerked it away.

"I'm just scared." Arizona treaded lightly with her words. "I love you, Callie. More than anything. But I'm scared of so many things right now – losing the babies, not being able to be a good pregnant woman, not being able to giving birth… but most of all," she paused. I am scared that you will leave me again."

Callie was silent now, and they arrived at the hospital. She turned the engine off and faced Arizona.

"I'm not going to leave you. I love you. I need you to trust me. And to trust your body. The babies are safe and I'm just excited to tell people." Callie reached out, grabbed Arizona's hand and squeezed it hard. Arizona wanted to pull away but resisted the urge.

"Okay. She conceded, and faked a smile. "Can we just wait until my next appointment? I want to make sure they are okay." Arizona's next appointment was at 16 weeks. It was a stretch for Callie, but it was also a date.

"Okay." Callie said, "You're going to be okay."

But Arizona didn't feel that way. Callie and Arizona walked into the hospital, hands held, Callie grinning and playing with Arizona's hair, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Arizona squeezed Callie's hand and smiled, but didn't reciprocate. Her stomach flipped from nerves and she bit her lip. She wasn't so sure.

August 20th

The past few days, Arizona had felt the same – faking excitement for Callie, who was in a constant state of giddiness. Arizona found herself constantly worried. Her routine had become obsessive. She woke up before Callie, measured the circumference of her belly to see if it had grown, observed her profile in the mirror, and weighed herself. She was up to 135, but she was convinced that she was not doing everything right. She was at 14 weeks. She did not trust her body to carry these babies.

Despite her worry, Arizona did admit that her bump was beginning to be more difficult to hide. She had acquiesced into wearing her skirts, which fit her if she put them significantly higher on her waist, despite the fact they revealed the bump. And she wore lots of dresses with leggings or tights, but again, they usually had the same problem as skirts. Many of her pants still fit if she buttoned them below her bump. She just had to make it two more weeks, she thought.

Arizona shuffled through the hospital, deep in thought. She didn't know why she was ensconced with worries, but she felt like she couldn't escape the the past week. She dug her hands deep into her white coat pockets are she headed on rounds. Her leg ached. She paused, leaning up against the wall, resting her head backwards and closing her eyes. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket. A text from Callie.

Callie: "I know you are scared. It's going to be okay. You are a great mom and you worry too much. Let's celebrate tonight…. ;) pop out a bottle of red? 3"

Arizona signed and texted back. She just wasn't in the mood. She was worried, bloated, tired, in pain, and… hungry. So hungry. She did rounds and prepped for the day's surgeries. One on her own, one with Dr. Herman, then one with Meredith. The first two went by quickly, with no complications, which is exactly what she needed to calm her racing mind. After a hurried lunch, she headed to her last surgery with Meredith.

Arizona entered the scrub room in fresh scrubs and a new scrubcap, which she tied off carefully before heading to the sink.

"So…." Meredith said, as she scrubbed her hands, "how are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"No nausea? Morning sickness gone? How are you Callie."

"It's all fine," Arizona muttered, soaping up all the way to her elbows and digging under her fingernails.

"You. Are. Not. Fine." Meredith shook the water off her hands and stared down Arizona.

"Callie is just…. so excited about this pregnancy. I'm in the second week of my second trimester and she's ready to tell the world. I'm…" Arizona scrubbed harder, perhaps too hard, and rinsed her hands and arms.

"Not ready. That's okay. I didn't tell Cristina for a long time, until I believed that it was going to be okay. You and Callie are very different people. Callie has been through trauma, but she's dealt with it differently than you." Meredith glanced at the operating room, being prepared for their patient.

"Hmmm… she's so sure that it will be okay. I'm not."

"And that's okay… you've been through a shooting, a car crash, and a plane crash. People get through trauma in different ways. Being cautious about the world – perhaps overly cautious – is okay. Also," Meredith used her back to open the swinging door, "PTSD is a bitch during pregnancy."

Then, suddenly, Meredith and Arizona were walking into the operating room, surrounded by lots of nurses and anesthesiologists who didn't know about Arizona. Beneath her mask, Arizona met Meredith's eyes.

"Thank you."

"It's normal. Or it was for me. Let's grab lunch tomorrow." Meredith said quietly, then, facing their patient, "Okay, now, who do we have here? Is that possibly Maria under all those gowns? I think that's the first time I've seen you not in running shorts!"

Maria was a seventeen year old patient of Arizona and Meredith's who had recurring benign masses growing on her bladder – they still hadn't figured out the cause. She was sweet and loved being outside more than anything. But every surgery meant more time not in school and less time outside and Arizona saw the previously boisterous girl fade away the longer she spent in the hospital.

"Hey, it's my strong Maria!" Arizona met Maria's eyes as the anesthesiologist put the mask on her, "It's going to be okay, Dr. Grey and I are going to take great care of you and this will be done in a flash." Maria's eyes fluttered gently before closing, but Arizona thought she saw some relief.

"Okay, Bokhee, ten blade." Meredith said, and the two began the complex surgery.

Hours later, Meredith and Arizona exited the operating room. The surgery had unexpected complications. The last set of scans had been taken just three days previously, yet Maria's masses had grown – almost doubled in size – in just a few days. Then, came almost unstopple bleeding when Meredith attempted to resect the masses. They had gotten them all, but Maria had lost a lot of blood, and it had taken them three times the expected time. No red wine and sex night for Arizona, not that she had wanted it.

Arizona and Meredith dragged themselves to the lounge. Arizona's back hurt so much. Standing in surgery was rough for her to begin with given her leg, but now pregnancy made that more difficult. She collapsed on the couch, arching her back. She was exhausted, physically and mentally. This was all just too much to handle. Meredith sat down on the couch next to her, and quietly said, "Let it out."

Arizona looked at Meredith, smiling slightly and taking in a big breath. "That was hard. Really hard. I was afraid we would lose her. And I guess… my body is just screaming at me right now."

Meredith didn't say anything, but got up, went to the fridge and took out a box of pizza labeled "Karev." Meredith handed Arizona a slice and said, "He owes me."

Arizona and Meredith ate the pizza silently and slowly, the pain in Arizona's ligaments subsided and her back ached less and she realized – she felt a little safer. Her belly ached, too, but as she and Meredith dozed off on the attending's lounge, she rested her hand there and tried to picture the twins alive and thriving inside her. It was hard, but possible.


	14. Chapter 14

Arizona arrived home late that night to dinner prepared by Callie. It was 10 pm, so Sofia had gone to bed hours before. Callie was probably already in bed, too, she thought. She sat at the kitchen table and unwrapped the chili that Callie had left on the counter, throwing some cheddar cheese on top before throwing it in the microwave.

Callie wandered in as Arizona was just finishing up.

"How was your day?" Callie asked. She was wearing a lacy camisole and exercise shorts to bed, which Arizona doubted she had ever used to actually run.

"Okay, until we got to Maria's surgery. We still don't know why the masses keep recurring. She almost bled out during the resection." Arizona scrubbed her bowl and yawned.

"You'll figure it out." Callie put her hands around Arizona's waist and played with her hair as Arizona dried her dishes. Arizona felt Callie's large, strong surgeon hands caressing her hips. Arizona closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Callie rested her chin on Arizona's shoulder. " You are so strong, 'Zona."

"I'm tired, that's what I am." Arizona moved away from Callie, switching off the kitchen lights.

"Let's go to bed, then." Callie smiled, entwining her hand in Arizona's.

"I'm really not in the mood tonight…" Arizona admitted, holding onto Callie's hand tightly, walking to their bedroom.

"That's okay. Someday soon. It's really going to be okay. You don't need to be so scared." Callie undressed Arizona and slipped a nightgown over her headed into their shared bathroom and they each stood in front of their respective sinks.

"You are healthy, and eating lots, and have the best medical care. And we're back together. We can be happy about this, Arizona." As Arizona brushed her teeth (a little too vigorously out of nerves), Callie brush her hair. "Look at what the hormones are doing. Your hair is becoming curlier by the day."

Arizona glanced at herself in the mirror. Her normally wavy, type 1c/ 2a wavy, slightly curly hair had turned into 2b, maybe even 2c and was shinier than ever. Callie brushed Arizona's hair rhythmically and Arizona loved the feeling of slight pressure.

"I know you're scared, but it's really going to be okay." Callie sat with Arizona and gently took off her prosthetic, massaging Arizona's swollen nub. The increased weight was finally making her prosthetic more difficult to wear. "We have been through a lot, but look where we are now. We have the house with the swing out front. We are together." Callie climbed into bed with Arizona. "We have a beautiful, bouncing daughter." Callie wrapped herself around Arizona, becoming the outer spoon. "We have two babies coming. Two healthy, soon to be bouncing, too, babies." Callie put her hands on Arizona's taught stomach. "This is all I ever wanted. I love you." She moved one hand to Arizona's leg, resting it gently on her thigh. "I'm so happy, 'Zona."

"Me, too, Calliope, me, too." Arizona whispered. It was true, Arizona was happy, she thought, but she was also petrified. "Love you."

"Love you, babe." Callie whispered back, and that was the last Arizona heard from Calllie that night. She realized that Callie had drifted off to sleep. But Arizona could not fall asleep. When she closed her eyes, images danced before her closed lids. Her medical expertise was not helping, now that she was a board certified neonatal surgeon. She knew the impact of trauma on other parts of the body had pregnancy. It did not matter if the uterus, Fallopian tubes, etc. were not directly affected. Blood flow was different. Balance was different. Her immune system was greatly compromised. If the twins survived to the end of pregnancy, giving birth would be more difficult. Arizona didn't understand why these thoughts didn't cross Callie's mind constantly, too. Eventually, she fell asleep.

* * *

Aug. 21

Despite not falling asleep until midnight, Arizona had to wake up at 5 am to make it to work by 6:30 for early rounds. Her dual assignments as a neonatal surgeon and a pediatric surgeon meant rounds took longer, that she had more responsibility, and longer days. Eventually, she would need to let the chief know about her pregnancy, which would hopefully reduce her hours.

Maria had made it through the night, and before their lunch date, Meredith and Arizona rounded on her.

"How are you feeling, Maria?" Arizona patted the young teen's shoulder warmly. "The nerve block should still be blocking the pain a little bit, but it will be gone in the next few hours. Lizzie is your nurse today – " Arizona began to whisper "And she's one of the best nurses in the whole hospital. I know you're strong, but let her know when you start to feel the pain."

Maria's mom was nervously knitting in a corner. Meredith and Arizona had updated her last night, but there were still so many unknowns.

"Unfornately, you'll need to stay here for at least a week because of the bleeding." Meredith explained, "But that will give Dr. Robbins and me more time to figure out why the masses keep coming back. Do you have any questions?"

Maria shook her head, dejected. Arizona and Meredith talked more while checking on vitals, and gave Lizzie instructions what to watch for. The pair headed down to the cafeteria.

"I think Maria might be depressed." Arizona mentioned as she made a sandwich with Meredith at the sandwich bar. "She's losing interest in her guitar and stopped asking when she can go outside again."

"Do you think it's time for a psych consult?" Meredith checked the two out.

"Not necessarily… I was thinking we could send one of the psychologists with therapy dogs to her room to check up on her."

"Hmmmm…." Meredith chewed, then changed the subject. "How are you?"

"Not great, actually." Arizona moved her salad around her plate with her fork. "Physically I am fine, from a medical standpoint as far as we know."

"But it's the PTSD." Meredith said point blankly.

"Yes." Arizona stared at her food, not at Meredith, and wondered how much she should say. "It's like I am convinced my body is broken, that any minute, it will stop being able to handle this. Rationally, I know this will be a more difficult pregnancy than most. But it's more than that. I'm intelligent. I recognize that my thoughts and anxieties are more than are reasonable. Yet, I'm controlled by feelings that something is going to go wrong."

"I was the same way." Meredith said quietly. "I thought Bailey moving in me was a miscarriage. Everything… I thought was a sign that my body was rejecting my pregnancy."

"So much has gone wrong in my life… I was in a shooting, a car crash, a plane crash. How… "

"How could this go right?" Meredith finished.

"Yes. And Callie doesn't understand that. She doesn't understand that I am not one of those women to begin with who delights in every aspect of pregnancy. Who has always wanted to be pregnant. I am happy if they," she rested her left hand on her stomach, "are okay. I want more kids. And if that meant I had to be pregnant, not Callie, I was more than happy to do that. But I was not joyous at the prospect of pregnancy to begin with. And then Callie and I handle trauma very differently." Arizona paused. "I'm dark. Last year, I lost part of myself, and I got in a place I didn't know how to get out of. And part of that is still there, here with me, rearing its head during pregnancy. Callie… doesn't understand my reaction to trauma."

"Trauma made you expect more trauma."

"Yes."

"I think… I think you should see a trauma therapist. Not a family or marriage counselor, but a psychologist specializing in trauma. I did."

"You did?" Arizona was stunned. She knew Meredith had gone to one of the hospital's therapists, but not that she had sought out a specialist.

"Yes. And," Meredith paused, "I think that this pregnancy will continue to trigger all of your PTSD struggles. I didn't end of seeing her, but I know of a tremendous psych doctor who helped other shooting survivors. Let her know my name and she'll take you. She usually has a long waitlist, but…" Meredith jotted down a name and a phone number, handing it to Arizona.

The pair finished their lunch, chatting about lighter subjects: Jackson and April (newly married!), Zola and Bailey, their favorite scrub nurses. Heading back up for their afternoon surgeries, Arizona glanced at the scrap, reading the name and number quickly: _Kate Stewart, MD, Ph.D._ Her heart skipped a beat – Kate was well known to Arizona as one of the top pediatric and adult trauma researchers in the country, let alone Seattle. Arizona had referred some patients to her. Arizona hadn't seen herself as that traumatized, or that" messed up" to need to see someone like Kate. She pursed her lips, unsure whether she should call her later.


	15. Chapter 15

August 25th

Arizona still woke up every day, apprehensive about the new life inside her, and went to bed worried about what her body was capable of. Her medical training and rational brain should have helped, but it didn't. She knew this was a psychological issue, and she had called Dr. Stewart, but she was unsure whether she would keep the appointment. Callie was as ebullient as ever, bursting with energy at every moment she was alone with Arizona, thrilled by the prospect of their growing family.

"We're the talk of the hospital!" Callie gleefully exclaimed to Arizona, wrapping her fingers around Arizona's as they walked down a hallway of the ortho floor. "We're the couple everyone wants to be!"

Arizona laughed, looking over at Callie's dark brown coffee colored eyes, framed by gorgeous long lashes. "We may be the talk of the hospital, but I don't think anyone wants to be us. We've had… just a little drama."

They had stopped in front of one of the medical computers for Callie to log information about her patient before they headed down to lunch together. Suddenly, Arizona felt Callie's hand slip underneath her white lab coat and move towards her hip. Callie moved Arizona's body toward her. Arizona's back was against Callie's front, and she felt Callie's breasts against her back. Callie's breasts against her back. Callie's nipples were hard and Arizona felt a wave of excitement pass through her body. "Yeah, but drama makes the sex better, " Callie whispered into Arizona's ear, touching Arizona's hair with her lips. Shivers ran through Arizona, and she grasped Callie's hand tightly. "And we're HOT. Steaming hot. When people see us, they imagine us together…" Callie moved back toward the keyboard to start logging records. Callie glanced at Arizona, smirking.

Now Arizona was hot, absolutely desperate for Callie to finish typing. A few minutes seemed like an hour. Finally, Callie finished, saying, "Ready to go down?"

Arizona nodded wordlessly, pulling Callie quickly away from the monitor. "Someone's got an appetite. Finally!"

But Arizona was not heading toward the cafeteria. She pulled Callie, walking as fast as her prosthetic would let her. She took a turn and pushed open the door of the nearest on call room. She glanced at Callie quickly before pressing Callie against the door. Arizona pushed her breasts on Callie's and with her left hand, she began unbuttoning Callie's pants, with her right, locking the on call room door. She met Callie's eyes, which were filled with surprise, but with true excitement. Callie reciprocated and pushed back Arizona's' golden curls with one hand, pulling down Arizona's skirt with the other. Callie pushed back, placing Arizona on the bed.

Arizona opened her naked legs wide as Callie pulled Arizona's light purple thong off. Arizona leaned against the wall, wrapping her arms around Callie's neck. Callie sat between Arizona's outstretched legs and wrapped hers around Arizona's waist. Callie moved two fingers downward, rubbing Arizona's clitoris in gentle circles, then fast, back and forth and back and forth, hard. Arizona's back arched and she gasped in pleasure. She leaned down hard onto Callie's fingers. She felt that irresistible urge to moan as Callie moved two of her fingers inside of Arizona, then three. Arizona gripped Callie tightly and moved her body up and down against Callie's fingers. Callie used her thumb to rubbed back and forth again, and Arizona's body peaked. Blood rushed down to her vagina and she felt an orgasm coming.

"More," she gasped, as she rubbed her body against Callie's and gripped her fingers against Callie's back and rode each wave as it came. She rocked up and down, moaning with increasing loudness.

"You need to be a little quieter or everyone will hear us!" Callie said, but Callie rubbed harder and faster and the area between Arizona's legs tingled and went numb, and her vagina felt warmer and warmer. She needed more, pressing down, hard. Her entire lower body shook with pleasure. Arizona's muscles contracted and the tingling peaked.

"That's it! More, keep going!" She exclaimed, moving her hand from Callie's back, down lower to her hip, grasping hard. Arizona's heart beat fast and she felt her vagina beat with the rhythm of her heart. It beat so intensely it felt like the only sensation in her body. And she lost control of her body, completely submitting to wave after wave of orgasm, breathless, numb, tingling, pulsing. Everything was wet and hot and she completely submitted to Callie. Her back arched with the final wave, and Arizona leaned into the lack of control, her desire for her body to meld with Callie's.

Arizona slowly regained control of her body as she became of aware of the wet release between her legs and Callie's now gentle hand movements. Callie once more rubbed in circular motions, slowly, bringing Arizona down, and she removed her fingers softly. Arizona lay back on the small twin bed, bringing Callie with her. She moved her hand down, between Callie's legs, under her hot pink boy shorts. She moved her fingers in fast, and pressed down hard on Callie's clitoris, rubbing down then pressing, rubbing, then pressing, the sudden movements Callie loved. Callie rolled onto her back and pulled Arizona on top of her as Arizona continued the motions.

"Your turn," she whispered, smiling wide even though Callie's eyes were closed in preparation for pleasure.

* * *

Arizona and Callie were both a little sweaty after their prelunch excitement, but Callie insisted that lunch was more important than a quick trip to shower before their afternoon rounds and surgeries. Arizona's sweat no longer dripped down her face (she had had longer to recover than Callie) but the tips of her golden locks were wet and the heat and wetness caused them to curl more than usual. They grabbed their lunch and sat down at a table. Callie was still making eyes that made Arizona feel like Callie was undressing her in front of the whole cafeteria and Arizona blushed.

"Looks like you two had some fun," Meredith slid her plate next to Arizona, "you're both glowing now, not just Arizona." She smirked.

"Hey! I'm always glowing." Callie shot back with a smile.

"Yeah, but we reserve a special kind of glowing for humans who are in a certain condition…" Meredith said quietly, and Arizona bit her lip, but was happy. "How are you feeling?" Meredith inquired.

"She hasn't had morning sickness in two weeks or so, and is finally putting on some weight. But she's still worrying far too much and convinced she is abnormal. But she's not!" Callie put her hand under the table.

Meredith met Arizona's eyes, and suddenly the high from the morning's escape was gone. Arizona knew how much Meredith understood her predicament, how trauma affected her, especially during pregnancy. The three were quiet, and Arizona chewed her pasta slowly, suddenly feeling like she was eating cardboard.

"Arizona's a little bit twisted now, Callie. That's part of being a twisted sister, never expecting things to go your way." Callie let out a loud "Hmph!" But Arizona saw acceptance in her eyes and Callie's hand remained on her knee. Suddenly, Arizona realized that the phone ringing in the background was hers. She picked it up and walked away.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Kate Stewart for Dr. Arizona Robbins."

"This is Arizona."

"Hi Arizona, I'm returning your call from earlier saying you had questions about our intake appointment."

"Oh, yes. I just wanted to talk to you about whether this is a good fit. I'm not sure that I need to see a trauma specialist, and I certainly don't want to take up a more deserving spot. I am high functioning with very few PTSD episodes from a medical standpoint."

"Arizona, therapy isn't doled out to only the most from your email and message, it sounds like you are dealing with some serious trauma flashbacks during your pregnancy. Pregnancy is a key time when past trauma re-emerges. And minimizing trauma is a key trait in many people with both PTSD and a comorbidity such as OCD or anxiety. You are deserving of treatment."

"But…. I'm mainly happy and bubbly. I can hold it together."

"I know. But you don't have to."

Arizona felt a lump in her throat and she turned away so Callie and Meredith couldn't see her face. Tears streamed down her face. She pinched herself in an attempt to stop herself from crying, but the tears flowed faster and the lump grew larger. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Are you there, Arizona?" Kate said gently.

"Yes," Arizona sputtered.

"Okay. Let's keep the appointment on the 27th. And call me if you're in crisis."

They hung up and Arizona looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears from welling up more. She gathered herself, walking the 30 ft back to their table with a forced smile, taking Callie's hand, muttering, "Sorry, a colleague." Which wasn't exactly a lie. She sighed, not sure she was ready to take on the rest of today, grasping in her mind to regain the high she had experienced after their sexcapade in the on call room. But she met Meredith's eyes, and she knew that she was in the dark and twisty place to stay, at least for today.


End file.
